The MOB Rules (preview 2)

NOTE: This is the second part of the three part preview of “The MOB Rules”. You can read part one here.

Scene: Interior of Keegan’s Irish Pub
The room is packed with MOB members. It is standing room only, but there remains an empty table reserved for Coleman. Mitch Berg is milling around near the exit, mumbling. Still no Captain Fishsticks.

NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS [Kiefer Sutherland (with his hair died black)]:
I don’t like the feel of this. Coleman may have something more nefarious up his sleeve than a bad column.

SISYPHUS [Steven Seagal]:
I have the same feeling. I don’t think we can risk having you on the Fraters team. You need to be alert in case Coleman tries something.

NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS:
Right, we still haven’t discovered the identity of the MOB mole.

CHAD THE ELDER [Jon Stewart]:
Okay, we need a fourth member for our trivia team. Hey, Lileks.

JAMES LILEKS [Bob Balaban]:
It would be an honor and a privilege to serve on the storied Fraters team.

CHAD THE ELDER:
Err… We were actually wondering if Gnat could be on our team.

JAMES LILEKS:
[curtly] No, she’s off at Cal Tech.

CHAD THE ELDER:
Well, in that case, we’ll just go with the three of us.

Nihilist in Golf Pants and Sisyphus circle the room in opposite directions, carefully studying the crowd.

The door of Keegan’s swings open and in walks Nick Coleman [Bill Murray] and Jim Boyd [Peter Boyle]. Jo [Elisabeth Shue] and Mark [Nicholas Cage], sitting near the door are hit with a blast of frigid air.

JO [Elisabeth Shue]:
That does it! We’re out of here. We’re giving up blogging and moving to Deadwood. Now!

MARK [Nicholas Cage]:
All right, but I’m not drinking myself to death.

JO:
We’ll see about that. [to the camera] You’ll have to tune in to the sequel “Leaving Deadwood” to find out for sure. Look for it in theaters Fall of 2006.

Jo and Mark exit.

Coleman and Boyd sit down at their table. Atomizer [Keanu Reeves] looks over from the Fraters table.

ATOMIZER [Keanu Reeves]:
Hey, Nick where are these genius ringers you were talking about? Do they even exist?

NICK COLEMAN:
Oh, they do exist indeed, and you will soil your blogging underwear when you see who they are.

Once again the doors open and the MOB silences. In the door walks Senator Mark Dayton [Dustin Hoffman] and Senator Barbara Boxer [Barbra Streisand].

MOB (ALL):
Gasp.

NICK COLEMAN:
That’s right! I’ve recruited Senator Substance and the next President of the United States for my trivia team! Not that I need any help to beat you losers, but I want to beat you so bad you’ll be too ashamed to blog about professional wrestling!

MARTY NEWTON [Alex Trebek]:
Welcome to Keegan’s for a special edition trivia blow out. Everyone’s here, so lets get started. First question – Who was the German Nazi leader who started World War II and killed millions of Jews in concentration camps.

At the Fraters table, St. Paul writes down the answer. His teammates don’t even bother to double check it.

At Coleman’s table there is whispering.

MARK DAYTON [Dustin Hoffman]:
[in a loud whisper] George W. Bush, George W. Bush, George W. Bush. Must be George W. Bush. Time for Wapner.

BARBARA BOXER [Barbra Streisand]:
[whisper] Yes, George W. Bush is a nazi who started a war! Write that down.

NICK COLEMAN:
[whisper] Wait a sec, he said Germany. Isn’t Bush from Texas?

BARBARA BOXER:
[whisper] What’s the difference?

JIM BOYD [Peter Boyle]:
[whisper] Who’s that guy that we’re always saying Bush is like?

MARK DAYTON:
[in a loud whisper] Time for Wapner.

NICK COLEMAN:
[whisper] Hitler! That’s what I’ll put down.

BARBARA BOXER:
[whisper] I still say it’s Bush.

Back behind the bar, a glass of Guinness is dropped. Senator Dayton dives under the table, then bolts out the door.

NICK COLEMAN:
Er, Senator Substance has to look after the safety of his staff and then research a judicial matter. That’s okay; we have plenty of “stuff” knowledge even without him.

Mitch Berg is mumbling too himself in the corner. Sisyphus and Nihilist in Golf Pants are watching him suspiciously.

MITCH BERG [Randy Quaid]:
[mumbling] … where is Fishsticks … … Coleman …
TO BE CONTINUED

Patty Wetterling's Deal for Dollars?

Patty Wetterling was expected to be unopposed in Minnesota's 6th Congressional District Democratic primary. So why did she recently announce that she was forming an exploratory committee to determine whether to run for Mark Dayton's Senate seat in '06?

It seems to me that a columnist who claims concerned with finding out the truth about who's funding political speech in Minnesota would ask Patty a few poignant questions. In the surprising event that he won't, I will: Patty, have you made a covert deal with DFL higher ups to fake a run for the Senate so you can go statewide and even national with your fundraising? Have you agreed to rake in as much money as possible from donors outside the 6th district under the ruse of a Senatorial bid? Have you agreed to exit the Senate race in time to announce for the 6th Congressional seat with a huge funding advantage over your Republican rival?

We all know that Senatorial races attract far more money than House races. First of all, they have eight times the constituency in Minnesota. Secondly, national money from special interests flows much more easily to Senatorial candidates, as they make a larger individual impact than their House counterparts.

I for one am frankly sick of the lack of skepticism and kid glove treatment that Patty Wetterling gets. Won't someone in the mainstream media ask her some tough questions?

The MOB Rules (preview 1)

WARNING: The following post epitomizes the inside-blogging kind of a thing Craig Westover warns about here.

Many of you (okay, two of you) have asked, “Whatever happened to the MOB movie?” Well, it’s currently in pre-production, possibly coming out in time to qualify for the 2005 Oscars. Since tonight is Oscar night, I thought it might be a good time for the first of three previews of “The MOB Rules”.

Like all good previews, this one gives away the ending of the movie. We join the action shortly after the MOB has brought down Nick Coleman and Jim Boyd.
(If your character does not appear in these final scenes, it is because you died dramatically and heroically earlier in the film.)

Scene: Front Lobby of the Star Tribune Building
The MOB members are excitedly buzzing about the lobby (except Mitch Berg [Randy Quaid], who is mumbling to himself at the edge of the crowd. Captain Fishsticks is conspicuously absent).

The MOB silences when the elevator bell rings and the crowd parts when the doors open. Nick Coleman [Bill Murray] and Jim Boyd [Peter Boyle] sullenly step out of the elevator, each carrying a cardboard box containing their personal effects.

Coleman spots David Strom [Ricky Gervais] in the crowd.

NICK COLEMAN [Bill Murray]:
[to David Strom] I’m still gunning for you and your Strom-troopers! How do you sleep at night Strom? Oh, that’s right; you can’t unless you use that Darth Vader machine!

DAVID STROM [Ricky Gervais]:
[in Slough accent] Thanks for reading my blog, you bloody wanker!

Coleman turns his attention to St. Paul and elbows his way through the crowd of St. Paul’s groupies.

ST. PAUL GROUPIE #7 [Kirsten Dunst]:
Watch where you’re going, you meanie!

NICK COLEMAN:
[to St. Paul] This isn’t over Captain Anonymous Attack Underwear Blogger, or whatever your real name is. [to the crowd] Hear that? This is not over! I will be back and my column will be bigger than ever!

ST. PAUL [Frank Caliendo]:
[smirking] Oh, I’m sure you could get a column in the City Pages [evilly] heh, heh, heh.

Coleman reaches into his cardboard box and extracts a pair of white gloves.
NICK COLEMAN:
Now you’ve gone too far! I demand satisfaction!
Coleman slaps St. Paul across the face with the gloves.

ST. PAUL’S GROUPIES (ALL):
OOOOOOOOOOOOHH!!

A smile slowly appears on St. Paul’s face.
ST. PAUL:
I accept your challenge, sir. I believe that as the challenged party, the choice of weapons is mine.

NICK COLEMAN:
It makes no difference to me.

ST. PAUL:
Very well sir, then the weapon I choose is the wit. I propose a trivia showdown at Keegan’s Irish Pub.

NICK COLEMAN:
Ah, you’ve fallen into my trap, Captain Anonymous Attack Underwear Blogger, you seem to have forgotten one thing: I know stuff.

ST. PAUL:
Oh, I haven’t forgotten. I will see you at Keegan’s with my Fraters Libertas team. You may choose three others to join your team.

NICK COLEMAN:
I choose my former MSM colleague Jim Boyd and ...
TO BE CONTINUED

Who's Her Daddy?

Lileks continues to congratulate himself for his amazing parenting skills, with this self-serving tale of his daughter's results on some sort of test that he never fully explains:

“Perfect score,” she said. “In all the time we have done this, she’s only the second one to get a perfect score.” A round of applause! The expected score for 4 /1/2 year olds is 30 out of 68. She got 68 out of 68. We looked over the results; the testricine explained what they’d done, and how she’d not only got everything right but done so in a snap. And so begins a lifetime of overachievement and self-identification through testing!

Vote For Me

While the 6th Congressional District is an important race coming up, there is likely to be a far more significant election in the near future. Despite the fact that I likely won't receive any votes at all, I am planning on officially throwing my hat in the ring when a new Pope is elected.

I realize that some might consider it bad form to campaign to replace John Paul II while he is still living, but anything can happen, and I want to get a leg up on Cardinal Ratzinger. Therefore, I am releasing the planks of my platform for Pope, otherwise known as the Nihilist in Golf Pants' Top Eleven Actions to take as New Pope.

11. Intinction mandated as method for receiving communion for those who receive both body and blood. Receiving the sacred blood of Christ should never include getting the backwash of other believers.
10. Priests who molest kids excommunicated, turned in to authorities and condemned to hell.
9. Kids will no longer be invited to "gather 'round" the priest for the homily. They are perfectly capable of listening while sitting with their parents.
8. Baptisms and second collections in mass restricted to once per month. Notice shall be given in the parish bulletin of either.
7. Announcements are not part of the celebration of mass. If you want to make them, make them ten minutes before mass starts, don't make everyone sit through them. The congregation should be reading the parish bulletin anyway.
6. Only priests or deacons may give homilies. No homeless advocates, youth counselors, or representatives of other charities. If their message is that important, they can tell the priest and he can convey it.
5. Priests should make the announcement that people who cough or sneeze during mass are excused from the sign of peace. There's nothing worse than sitting next to someone hacking and snotting all over who then wants to touch your hand.
4. The church shall declare that any war which results in the United States overthrowing a ruthless dictator or Islamic theocracy and replacing it with a democratically elected one automatically qualifies as "just."
3. Choir directors shall keep songs to two verses or less, unless there is the need to fill time where something silent is happening (like when parishioners are receiving communion).
2. Only traditional Catholic songs shall be sung at mass. We are Catholics, not Baptists and especially not crystal worshipping hippies. Patriotic anthems like the Battle Hymn of the Republic or America the Beautiful are encouraged on appropriate holidays.
1. Mass is a solemn occasion, not a concert or sporting event. Therefore, applause will not be tolerated. Violations will receive an extra year in purgatory for all participants.

The Oscars

I have not yet seen any of the movies nominated for best picture. I wait for movies to come out on DVD (my home theater is better than most movie theaters, without the riff-raff).

Anyway, I prefer books to movies. So in lieu of watching the Oscars on Sunday night, my plan is to pick out my favorite books from the last year and read their acknowledgements section.

Where in the World is the Nihilist in Golf Pants?

In an undisclosed South Florida location. Actually, I will disclose, as I spent today viewing the first full day of Minnesota Twins Spring Training. However, I will be back on the job next week. Comments from today: Joe Nathan is very tall and Torii Hunter from a distance of three feet is far more muscular than expected.

My best 9 holes of golf was a 41. That is all.

Ka-Ching!

Moonbat conspiracy theorists, all is forgiven! Dick Cheney, you rock!

As you know, I purchased 100,000 shares of Halliburton on inauguration day for $41.62 per share. Since then we’ve had some ups and downs (mostly downs), but now Dick Cheney has finally come through for us: Halliburton finally received a well deserved performance bonus from the U.S. Army and may be looking at another $1.5 billion in Army contracts. As a result, we closed today at 44.75, meaning that my paper-profit is now $313,000! (That’s enough to finance 31.3 pretend Randy Moss moonings.)

Noooooooooooooooooooooo

Well, there he goes, Randy Moss has apparently been traded to Oakland for the seventh overall pick in the draft, a late round draft pick, and some linebacker. Needless to say, the trade is a disaster. You simply do not trade the best player in the NFL for two draft picks and a middling defender.

Many people have been critical of Randy Moss’s attitude, but greatness is often accompanied by a difficult temperament. If attitude were all important, the Nihilist in Golf Pants would have evicted me from this blog long ago. Unlike the Vikings, NIGP is willing to put up with obnoxious, destructive, and egotistical behavior for game-changing greatness.

You wouldn’t trade Albert Einstein for having a bad hairdo and trying to get his posse into the Institute of Advanced Studies. You wouldn’t trade Sisyphus for, well, for things best left unsaid. Nor should you trade Randy Moss for what boils down to trivialities.

AND ANOTHER THING: So Randy left the field once with two seconds left. Let he who has never left work early throw the first stone.

You Call that Binge Drinking?

It’s not surprising to anyone living in the upper Midwest that North Dakotans lead the nation in binge drinking. A government study released last week showed that 31% of North Dakota residents 12 and older had engaged in binge drinking at least once in the last month. Shocking until you read how they define binge drinking: five or more drinks on one occasion over the last 30 days.

So, hypothetically, if one were to have three drinks with dinner before a hockey game, and then a couple afterwards, one would be an out-of-control binge drinker? Sure, five drinks is a lot for a twelve year old, but over a few hours, that would barely get a largish adult to the legal limit for driving.

Don’t talk to me about binge drinking until you at least reach double digits. At that threshold, I’m sure the North Dakotans would still be in the lead, but the percentage wouldn’t be close to 31%.

Mark Your Calendars

Thursday, March 10 is Fraters Trivia Night at Keegan's Irish Pub. Saint Paul of Fraters Libertas will be emceeing the event, as the Fraters trivia team prepares, delivers and grades the quiz. For those not in the know, the official Fraters trivia team consists of the Saint himself, Chad the Elder, the Atomizer, and The Nihilist in Golf Pants. The rest of us will be on hand for commentary and more. Who knows, I might even sing a duet of "In the Ghetto" with Nathan Anderson afterwards!

It should be an excellent time. If you've ever been to Keegan's you know how fun trivia night can be. Imagine how fun it will be with an emcee that knows the correct pronunciation of all of the words!

Hunter Thompson Commits Suicide

The obit ignores the obvious: Richard Nixon is somehow to blame.

But seriously folks, what a waste. Lileks, as he often does, says it best here. My own thoughts on the subject are similar. He was once a skilled writer. I don't know whether the drugs destroyed his brain and led to the hatred, or whether the hatred made him seek refuge with the drugs. He could have been a literary giant, but instead lived a shallow and tragic life.

A Touch of Class, Part III – Parrot Pandering

Even great artists are not above occasionally pandering to fashionable public tastes. In the 18th and 19th century the exotic flora and fauna of the new world, especially the brightly colored parrots, appealed to both artists and their patrons.

If pandering is good enough for the likes of Courbet, Tiepolo, and Delacroix, I guess its okay for us to pander to the parrot lovers among our readership.

Venetian master Giovanni Battista Tiepolo is best known for his massive paintings in churches and palaces, but he was also one of the first artists to discover the parrot. “Woman with a Parrot”, 1760, may be seen at the Ashmoleon Museum, Oxford.

Gustave Courbet was a free-spirited artist who gained acceptance by the Paris Salon and later became popular with the impressionists when he turned down an award from Napoleon III. His parrot painting is “Woman with a Parrot” painted in 1866 and now residing in the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York.

Eugene Delacroix is the best known of the Romanticists, specializing in action and battle scenes. Delacroix was also aware of the appeal of the parrot, as displayed in his version of “Woman with a Parrot” from the Musée des Beaux-Arts, Lyons, France.

(Click here for the previous installment of A Touch of Class.)

Wayne Rogers Update

So far in the Cashin' In Challenge, the former M*A*S*H star is in last place (4th of 4), with a small year-to-date loss. The year is early, and Wayne has turned toward diamonds (actually a management consulting firm). Best of luck towards him.

In related news, the Cashin' In crew all agrees with me that Personal Social Security Accounts are a great idea. However, the discussion on whether they would become reality was unfavorable, as only 70% of eligible Americans take advantage of their 401k programs.

Between Joe Six-Pack's lazy attitude toward investing and fear of losing government largesse, I agree that Bush has a tough sell on his hands. Sometimes you can't give away something of great value.

The Top 11 Upcoming Liberal Blogswarms

The right side of the blogosphere has had several successful blogswarms from the Swift Vets to Rathergate to Eason Jordan. The left side of the blogosphere has managed only to take down an obscure White House correspondent. But, they plan to change that, here are the Top 11 Upcoming Liberal Blogswarms.

11. Andrew Sullivan – Is he gay?
10. Bush started the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan so that his cronies at Diebold could profit from the sale of voting machines to the mid-east.
9. Wal-Mart – they like making money.
8. Sean Hannity – You can’t tell me that he’s not wearing a hair piece.
7. George W. Bush is stupid.
6. George W. Bush is a smirking chimp.
5. Condi Rice must resign for incorrectly stating that Thomas Jefferson was a Secretary of State, when everyone knows he was actually a slave owning President.
4. Al Franken is too funny, dammit!
3. Adolph Hitler died April 30, 1945. George W. Bush was born July 6, 1946. Where was Hitler’s soul the intervening 432 days?
2. J.B. Doubtless and Atomizer exposed as teetotalers.
1. Why won’t Halle Berry return the phone calls of liberal bloggers?

The Nihilist in Golf Pants Price List

Yes, Nihilist in Golf Pants is for sale, and you’ll be surprised by our reasonable prices! Here is our updated price list. (All prices are per-post)
(D) means we disclose who paid for the post.
(SD) means we disclose who paid for the post, but in such way that most people miss it.
(UD) means that we promise not to disclose who paid for the post, even if it means going to jail.
If you are George Soros, add four zeros to all prices.

We endorse your candidate
(D) ……. $50
(SD) ….. $100
(UD) …. $200

We endorse your opponent
(D) …... $300
(SD) .… $500
(UD) … $1000

Attacks on Nick Coleman
(D) ….. $500
(SD) … $300
(UD) … $10

Attacks on Power Line
(non-NAAPALM members) …. $50
(NAAPALM members) ……….One Beer

Attacks on the Center/Right
(D) …… $350
(SD)….. $500
(UD) … $650

Attacks on the complexity of the tax code
(D) ….. $100
(SD) … $250
(UD) … $500

Attacks on Jimmy Carter … no charge
Attacks on Michael Moore … no charge

PRESIDENT’S DAY SALE! Now through President’s day, 50% off all posts if you are Karl Rove!

Center/Right Types Need to Move Over

A prominent nationally syndicated radio host is fond of describing himself and his audience as Center/Right. To him Center/Right means including pols like Arnold Schwartznegger and Arlen Specter in a broad Republican coalition that could wield tremendous power if it could satisfy the factions enough to effectively pursue policy interests. Not surprisingly this host has been extremely supportive of George W. Bush.

Bush's domestic policy embodies the principles of Center/Right. While a Right Winger would cut taxes and spending, a Center/Right Bush cuts taxes but doesn't do the hard work of slowing the spending. He's strong on national defense while rolling out a massive entitlement program for the elderly. And now he's off to put his Center/Right touch on Social Security.

Bush rightly wants to allow citizens to have the choice of foregoing the government sponsored miniscule rate of return for about 1/6 of their contribution and allow them to invest it in personal accounts. Historically, over 20+ year investment horizons, the broad-based stock market has beaten the pants off of the tiny return secured by the Social Security Administration for its clients. Although these clients still received a positive return, the results were rather meager, barely better than if they had stuffed their contributions into a mattress. Thus anyone under the age of 40 with a basic understanding of finance should strongly support private accounts.

What is Bush's Center/Right touch? According to the February 17 Wall Street Journal, the Bush Administration is considering "increasing the amount of income subject to Social Security payroll taxes beyond the current limit of $90,000." The reasoning is that Social Security is poised to run out of money in 30-40 years. Diverting some funds into private accounts would hasten the troubles. So in layman's terms, Bush is considering an enormous tax increase on the wealthy as one option for "saving" Social Security and passing his private account program.

Allow me illustrate my point by using a hypothetical. John Doe is such a cliched name. Maybe I'll use John H. Instead. Suppose John H. Is a partner at his law firm, a would-be celebrity who makes occasional appearances for fees and a part-time blogger as well. Let's suppose his take home income each year is $500,000. Since he is essentially self-employed, his FICA tax rate is 12.4% on his first $90,000 of income or$11,160.

When President Bush first took office, John H. Paid $9,970 per year in FICA taxes. His projected lifetime benefits were not likely to give him more than a small return on his money for this forced transaction. If he died before reaching the benefits age (unlikely, as our hypothetical case is in his late 50's, yet it's possible he could drown in an attempt to walk on water), his return would be -100%. Clearly this transaction is a raw deal for him. It's a good thing the government is only forcing him to do this with 2% of his income.

Now, George Bush has hinted that he wants to move the cap upward and speculation centers around the $150,000 level. If he moved the cap to $150,000, John would have to pay $18,600, almost double the amount he paid at the start of George Bush's first term.

If Bush removed the cap, John would have to pay $62,000 annually! That's a 450% increase over what he's paying today. Sounds to me like John's getting ripped off, especially since he could annually draw on a fraction of that amount each year he lives past the retirement age. Of course, he would get to keep the $10,000 a year (of the $62,000 taken under FICA) that Bush lets him invest in private accounts no matter how long he lives. So he would give up an extra$50,840 in order to keep $10,000 of it.

Yet this prominent syndicated talk radio host on February 17 called the last plan a good deal for John, showing that Center/Right is a label not to be confused with conservative, libertarian or classical liberal.

He Who Knows Stuff Speaks

Nick's latest is a rip on the taxpayer's league.

The Top 11 Features of the New Attack Submarine, the USS Jimmy Carter

The US Navy has announced that it is naming its latest nuclear attack submarine after former President Jimmy Carter. Of course, this required the Navy to add eleven special features to the sub:

11. State of the art acoustics to absorb the sound from stepping on peanut shells.
10. Anti-rabbit torpedoes
9. Absolutely no pin-ups of Amy Carter will be tolerated.
8. For the purpose of hitting on chicks, officers and sailors will be allowed to say they serve on the USS Ronald Reagan.
7. The head will be renamed the Mondale.
6. It will be the only American sub allowed in French waters.
5. As a tribute to President Carter’s time as Commander in Chief, no money will be spent on maintaining the sub.
4. Each sailor’s daily rations will include a six pack of Billy Beer.
3. Per President Carter’s request, pictures of George W. Bush will be replaced with pictures of a legitimately elected president, Hugo Chavez.
2. The nuclear reactor will eventually be replaced with solar panels.
1. A seat on the bridge will be reserved for Michael Moore.

Thoughts While Doing My Taxes

The following is a politically incorrect rant. The fact is, while doing my taxes I become a spiteful, angry individual. It takes me a full weekend locked in my office to finish my taxes. I'm not some uneducated moron, nor am I someone who just doesn't get tax-related issues. I have a MBA in finance, an undergraduate business degree, I have found good employment in the field of finance and accounting for the last fifteen years, and I'm assisted by an internet-based tax preparation package. I blame the special interest groups, who feel their rate should be lower than other people with similar incomes, and the politicians who cower to them.

Here's the most offensive, politically incorrect example I can think of to explain how special interest groups have complicate the tax code. If you don't like to be offended, please log off now. Ok, ready to hate me? Good. Here goes: Blind people get an unfair tax deduction.

I knew it. I knew that even if you stayed despite my warnings you would still be offended. Before you collect the villagers and the torches, please allow me to elaborate. You may say, being blind is terrible and I would not disagree. But should being blind allow one to pay less taxes than someone else who is deaf? How about a paraplegic? How about someone with AIDS or cancer? Don't get me wrong, I'm as compassionate as the next guy, but who's to say being blind is worse than my other examples. Yet my other examples don't get that break. They say tax incentives spur behavior. Let's hope that the $600 buck largesse isn't enough to inspire mass Oedipal blindings.

My absurd example aside, special interests really do control government policy. Ronald Reagan is a hero to me because he simplified the tax code in the late 1980's; rates were low and loopholes were few. When Reagan left office, George H. W. Bush had no problem complicating the tax code, raising tax rates on the rich and adding additional (higher) tax brackets. Bill Clinton and George W. Bush were even worse. Clinton embraced "targeted tax cuts," code for giving money to people who behave in a Clinton approved manner (including having children out of wedlock). George W. Bush further complicated the code to do things that conservatives like, such as making money in the stock market and taking out student loans. Additionally, the Alternate Minimum Tax, which Reagan did not fix because it impacted only a few rich people, impacts far more taxpayers due to nearly two decades of inflation.

Silly me, I thought income taxes should be based on how much income one made.

The Draft

President Bush has not yet instituted a draft. We’ll continue to monitor the situation.

They Get the Funniest Looks From Everyone They Meet

Sisyphus came up with an interesting theory regarding the boys at Fraters Libertas the other day. He suggested that in some ways their body of work paralleled the Beatles. To elaborate, he meant that the personality and writing of each individual could be could paralleled with one of the Fab Four.

While his argument was interesting, it did not convince me. Fraters is funny, smart and hip, but the Beatles changed the world. Consider that 35 years after their breakup of the band and after the death of two members, a Beatle was called upon headline the largest television event of the year. I can imagine a futuristic Nerd-bowl 2040 with a halftime show consisting of John Hinderocker reprising his glory days of keeping it real with the new media invasion, but the Fraters boys wouldn't be in that nightmarish future. They are something else, but what is the proper metaphor?

Then it hit me. In the wake of the Beatles, thousands of other pop groups stepped up to ride the wave that propelled the revolution in popular music. The Fraters must parallel one of them as they ride this blogging wave. Perhaps they parallel THE MONKEES! Clearly this is the case. To anyone who knows them it is obvious.

Chad the Elder = Mickey Dolenz - In many ways the leader of the band and the singer of half of the songs. He doesn't get the love that Davy gets, but is secure enough with himself to accept it. He's prolific, and though his songs may be predictable, they're still pretty good.

St. Paul = Davy Jones - The girls go wild for the boyish charm. Yet don't suggest his talent is superficial. The band couldn't exist without him. He's the singer on almost all of the best songs.

Atomizer = Michael Nesmith - He's quiet and mysterious, always a hard guy to categorize. You get the feeling he might be the most brilliant member of the band, but there's little to support that claim. In some episodes, he's barely there. Maybe he's passed out in the corner.

J.B. Doubtless = Peter Tork- He's supposed to be the funny one, with mixed results. He never sings, and a session player probably plays his instrument on the albums. If he grew a mustache, it would surely be a Larry Bird. One wonders who he is and why he's in the band at all.

Miss Valentine

No, this isn't a post about Brainstorming, the new all-female MOB blog. The title refers to Charity Hope Valentine, the lead in the new Broadway musical "Sweet Charity," currently playing in pre-Broadway run at the Orpheum.

One of the great things about the Twin Cities is that you can see all the attractions of an enormously big city, while the annoyances are somewhat less. Broadway theater productions are relatively rare here, but they do come occasionally. It's a big enough deal that the wife and I decided to take each to the show Saturday night as our Valentine's Day present to each other.

I am a theater novice, having recently seen "Phantom of the Opera" and "The Producers", but little else. Phantom and the Producers were long past Broadway when I saw them and the lead roles had long since been replaced. That's not the case with Charity, as it will open on Broadway this spring with the current cast.

Christina Applegate plays the title role. Yeah, she's Kelley Bundy. I was skeptical, especially since the opening song, a powerful production of "Big Spender" failed to feature her singing talents. She quickly proved me wrong. She can belt it out, and is also a terrific dancer. By her second tune, I had forgotten about Kelley Bundy and became completely immersed in a bittersweet love story that isn't your usual "Pretty Woman" type pabulum.

Of course, this play was written by Neil Simon, which means it is funny and at times touching. My only complaint was with a musical number called "The Rhythm of Life." I remembered it from my youth as a funky, bass-driven song with forceful, but not overbearing vocals. The main singer on this version just didn't seem to flow with his musical accompaniment. However, that is a minor nitpick. In contrast, "If They Could See Me Now" used to invoke in me memories of Kathy Lee Gifford and Carnival Cruise Ships. Applegate thankfully blew that image away with a powerful performance.

The best part was the ending, which I won't reveal. However, (POSSIBLE SPOILER) those of you who know how I generally feel about love stories should consider that I found this to be the perfect show to catch for Valentine's Day.

Flip Sliding Away

The Minnesota Timberwolves have fired long-time coach Flip Saunders. I don’t really have anything to say on this, I just couldn’t resist using the title.

Sugar Ray Leonard, Michael Jordan and . . .

The MOB's own Jo announced last Friday that she would be shutting down her blog "Jo's Attic," and retiring from blogging. This unanticipated move received attention from oodles of MOB bloggers, both on their own sites and on her comment pages. The commentary was true and unanimous, we all want you to stay, but if you have to leave we wish you the best.

Personally, I enjoyed Jo's attic because of her honesty. She posted her genuine thoughts, seemingly without the calculated word-smithing that others use. What her product lacked in polish, it more than made up for in humanity. In many ways I envy her ability to accomplish that.

When Illinois men's basketball coach Lou Henson announced his retirement a few years back, at each of the Big Ten road games in his final season, the opposing schools gave him a gift. When he came out of retirement to coach New Mexico State the next year, I wondered if he gave those gifts back. How is the story of Lou relevant to Jo's situation?

At least one fellow blogger has offered to buy her a beer and others have suggested as much with a "see you at Keegan's." I wonder if she has collected yet, because today Jo announces that rather than shutting the attic door forever, she will consider continuing on. The next time I see Jo, I'll definitely inquire on the status of the free beer that she had been offered. If she was successful, there could be a big announcement on the way from the Nihilist in Golf Pants.

Top 11 New Job Prospects for Eason Jordan

Being the compassionate sort, I could not celebrate the resignation of Eason Jordan. I was worried about what kind of job he could land after having so embarrassed himself. After giving it some more thought, I began to feel better, there are at least eleven good jobs for which Eason Jordan would be a strong candidate:

11. President, Harvard University
10. Investigator, International Criminal Court
9. Contributing Blogger, Dayton vs. Kennedy
8. Permanent Guest Host, Coast to Coast with Art Bell
7. Assistant Villain, Taxpayers League of Minnesota
6. Editor, Minneapolis Star Tribune
5. Maintenance Engineer, Fox News
4. White House Correspondent, Talon News Network
3. Communications Director, Mark Dayton for Senate
2. Chairman, Department of Ethnic Studies, University of Colorado
1. Case Study, Columbia Journalism School

3 for 3

Today is the 196th anniversary of the birth of Abraham Lincoln. My favorite piece of Lincoln trivia is this: Abraham Lincoln delivered only three speeches during his Presidency. (Back in those days, the State of the Union Address was submitted to Congress in writing and not delivered as a speech.) The three speeches were his two inaugural addresses and the Gettysburg address. Not a bad percentage.

Praise for Sisyphus

A few years back, the Star Tribune, despite its vaunted editorial standards, published an op-ed piece that confused liberal-activist turned conservative firebrand David Horowitz with the other David Horowitz who hosted the schlocky consumer-report show, "Fight Back!" It is in that spirit that I write this post.

Jim Garaghty of NRO's TKS praises one of our own:

Blogger Sisyphus, who is rapidly attaining must-read status

Editor's note: I can't do it! I must hold myself to a higher standard than the worst major market newspaper in America. I have added the link to show the true subject of Garaghty's comment. It's not our Sisyphus. It's not even The New Sisyphus. There's too many damned Sisyphus' out there. Perhaps ours should adopt a new identity as the Hairy-backed Swamp Developer or the Brownshirt in Pinstripes?

Our First Comment Spam!

Early Friday, the Nihilist in Golf Pants posted that he was skeptical of James Lileks’ statement that he would someday eliminate Gnatidotes from the Bleat. I was excited to see a comment posted a short time later. Had Lileks found our humble little blog and left a comment that he most certainly was not a Gnatidotaholic and could stop Gnatidoting anytime he wanted to – he just didn’t want to?

I clicked on the comment and found it was something better – comment spam! Yes, complaining about comment spam is the in thing among all of the big bloggers. Tim Blair, Mitch Berg, Little Green Footballs, all of the MSB blogs that allow comments complain about the annoyance of comment spam. Perhaps someday we’ll be annoyed too, but for now we’re flattered that the spammers thought us worthy.

Here it is, our first comment spam:
Anonymous said...
watch this;

http://easymoney.ea.funpic.org/

Memo to Garrison Keillor: BRING IT

Send In the Outsiders

Within 90 minutes of Wednesday's newsflash that Senator Mark Dayton would not seek re-election in 2006, the national press and the political blogs were abuzz with plausible replacements -- the short list included a number of career politicians, but also a handful of Minnesota cultural icons, including Garrison Keillor, Al Franken and Jesse Ventura. Though it seems, as of this writing, Ventura and Franken have opted not to run for senate in 2006, Franken has hinted heavily that he will run in 2008 against Republican Senator Norm Coleman. Garrison Keillor has not yet made an announcement.

Remember this classic Far Side cartoon?

Dryer=the 2006 Minnesota Senate race

Cat=Garrison Keillor

Dog=Me

Oh please, oh please...

Lileks Writes a Check He Probably Can't Cash

An unbelievable item in Thursday's Bleat as Lileks explains the date that he will stop with the hackneyed odes to his parenting otherwise known as Gnatidotes:

Previous examples of reading I’ve been able to explain away by context, but there was no context available here. This is good news, I suppose, but draws us ever closer to the day when I won’t be able to write about her.

Promises like this one were made to be broken.

Memo to Rod Grams: YOU ARE A LOSER!

Rod Grams, you were a good to excellent United States Senator, but more importantly, you were (and continue to be) a horrible United States Senate candidate. My proof is here, you managed only 43% of the vote against one of the weakest candidates in state history. Yes, I know there were factors beyond your control that contributed to your defeat. The Minnesota media played up your adult son’s brushes with the law even as it ignored the antics of Al Gore’s son. But, the media is certainly not going to be any friendlier this time around.

I realize that there is no better place to get your ego stroked than the United State Senate, but your six years of that are OVER! You cannot win; you can only deliver the seat into the hands of the Democrats. We’ve already tried this comeback thing before with Rudy Boschwitz, and we all know that he was trounced by Wellstone by an even larger margin the second time around. I hope the Republican Party has learned its lesson.

We already have a perfectly fine candidate in Mark Kennedy, a Congressman who has been elected from two different districts, the Second Congressional District consisting of SW Minnesota, and the Sixth consisting of central Minnesota. If he falters, or decides not to run, there are several candidates stronger than you out there.

There is a reason that you are the dream Republican candidate of Democratic bloggers. Don’t embarrass yourself any further, pull out now. Tell everyone that you were just joking about running again, and we’ll forget this whole thing happened.

Ashes to Ashes

Today marks Ash Wednesday, the beginning of lent. Forty days of preparation representing the forty days that Jesus faced temptation from the devil. The road, of course leads to Easter Sunday, the most important day in the Church calendar. As is custom for practicing Catholics, I am supposed to make a resolution of a way to improve myself over the lenten season. When you're a kid this means giving up the temptation of candy, pop or video games as a sacrifice to help you remember the greater temptation that Christ resisted. One of my friends in recent years went to extremes and gave up beer.

So what am I giving up? Perhaps I should abstain from negative posts full of attacks. After all, Bush won, Dayton is stepping aside, the Iraqis had free elections and man-hating Cathy of the comics page even got married. Yes, eliminating negativity would make a good resolution and would cleanse my soul.

On the other hand the devil himself has sent Nick Coleman, Hitlery Clinton, Patty Wetterling, Al Franken, Bill Moyers and the StarTribune editorial board to tempt me. I pray that I will have the strength.

Or I could just say screw it and give up swearing.

American Idol is Over

Today is a sad day for fans of American Idol. All the incredibly terrible singers have been weeded out. The fun of the show is seeing the William Hungs of the world, not the Clay Aikens. It's hilarious to see some goofball with a tin ear go into the lion's den with no idea of how terrible they actually are. It's much less fun to see pretty good singers told they are not among the best.

Nick’s Analogy

I was so upset with yesterday’s despicable comments by White House budget director Josh Bolten that I actually considered joining the Democratic Party. Then I decided to listen to Nick Coleman’s local Minnesota Air America show.

I admire Nick Coleman as a fellow member of the local economic/political/media elite. That being said, Nick Coleman often makes unfortunate comments. Today on his radio show, he was discussing the budget submitted by the White House. Mr. Coleman feels that the budget unfairly punishes the poor. A paraphrase of the analogy he made:

This budget is like a family saying to its hungry children: we don’t have enough food, but we don’t want to go out and get another job for more revenue, so you’ll just have to go hungry.

No Mr. Coleman, the analogy fails. The Government does not go out and get a job. The government gets its money by confiscating it from the likes of you and me.

A proper analogy for what you want to do would be this: we don’t have enough food, but instead of dropping HBO from our cable, we’re going to knock down Sisyphus and Nick Coleman and steal their wallets.

Lesson learned. No matter how bad the Republicans may seem, never forget that the Democrats are much worse.

… and the Bolder Rolls Back Down the Hill

For the last few days, the Main Stream Blogosphere has been swarming around the ridiculous fantasies of Eason Jordan (If the military is really targeting reporters, how is it that Helen Thomas and Molly Ivins are still around?) But let’s get real; no one is really surprised that a CNN executive thinks in this way. What I don’t expect is disgusting neo-Marxist populism from the George W. Bush White House.

While the MSB was circling around Jordan, Drudge uncovered a shocking statement from White House budget director Josh Bolten:
“If you look at the president's tax cuts as a totality, the income tax, those at the upper end of the spectrum are now paying a larger share of the income tax than they were before”

It doesn’t bother me so much that the rich are now shouldering a higher tax burden, we’re used to that. What bothers me is the unseemly pride Bolten takes in this fact. He’s actually bragging to his commie media buddies that he’s screwing the rich. We still have a long way to go in fighting these class warfare hatemongers.

Bolten’s attitude is especially galling on a day when my Halliburton stock has fallen yet again. My total loss since inauguration day is now $63K (enough to finance 6.3 pretend Randy Moss moonings). Where are the no-bid Halliburton contracts in this new budget, Mr. Bolten? Are you or are you not a Republican?

I, Sisyphus, demand your immediate resignation.

UPDATE: Okay, okay, stop the e-mails. I know Helen Thomas and Molly Ivins have never been to Iraq. That doesn't mean they can't be targeted by the military. The Pentagon could claim that the huge gravitational field generated by the ladies threw off the guidance systems of the cruise missiles. I would believe it.

The Last Straw

Almost without realizing it, I spent five minutes Friday talking with an employee about British Premier League soccer. The only place I could have picked up anything on that topic is Power Line. That’s the last straw; I will no longer be reading said blog.

UPDATE: Okay, so I'm a bad boycotter. I read Power Line today. Maybe I will just give them up for lent.

A House Divided

Sisyphus is hysterically funny, but never has he posted a more hysterical farce than his parody of the events at Keegan's Thursday night. However, we'd hate to give anyone the wrong idea. The Fraters/Nihilist combo won with 24 correct. After careful consideration, Terry Keegan awarded another team named "Marty Sucks" a tie, a dubious decision that sets an Al Gore-like precedent. Nonetheless all accepted the arbiter's rules. The Fraters and Marty Sucks each shared the hardware, possessing the trophy for part of the evening and both teams were awarded victory drinks.

As for the greater point of whether the quiz answers were valid, the key to Keegan's trivia is to divine the answer that Terry will accept, not necessarily the correct answer in reality. One relevant example is the question in the famous Hewitt/Fraters tie (an event which I did not participate). The answer to the question was President William Jefferson Clinton. Terry refused to accept Bill Clinton as a correct answer. It's his bar and he sets the rules.

As for manager Marty's decision to award the bounty he placed on Team Fraters heads to Marty Sucks, he'd been hitting on the two female members of that team for the entire night. Plying them with drinks was the next logical extention of his actions. As I left for the night, I think I heard him betting the female members of the team a shot that Richard Nixon's middle name was Moe.

Slate is Stealing My Bit!

Last Monday, I posted the second part of my critically acclaimed art appreciation series, “A Touch of Class”. That post prominently featured Raphael’s masterpiece “La Fornarina”, and also mentioned the scandal mongering painting by Ingres, “Raphael and La Fornarina”.

Apparently, Slate is also attempting to class-up its clientele, because two days later they published a piece on “La Fornarina” that also mentions the Ingres painting.

Tune in tomorrow to see Slate’s proposal for selling the design rights to the State Quarters.

Those Kids Today

Actor John Vernon has passed on. We are of course reminded of his most heroic role: Dean Wormer in Animal House. Dean Wormer took on the sisyphean task of attempting to instill a love of learning and a sense of responsibility into those incorrigibles of Delta House. That he failed should have been no surprise.

Misanthropic frat boys continue to be the bane of their betters, as evidenced here. That this has always been so can be seen from the following quote by Pope Pius II dating back to 1458.

We can almost imagine John Vernon delivering these lines:
“They have no concern for music or rhetoric or the metrical art. Oratory and poetry are almost unknown. For them, all study in logic is futile disputation. You rarely find anyone who owns the works of Aristotle and other philosophers. The students at the new university devote themselves largely to pleasure and are avid for food and wine, nor are they restrained by any discipline. Day and night they roam about inflicting injuries on citizens and their heads are completely turned by the shameless women.”

(As quoted by Jacques Barzun in “From Dawn to Decadence”)

The True Keegan’s Thursday Night Trivia Champion

Sometime today another Guiness graphic will go up on the Fraters Libertas website representing a Thursday Night trivia win by the Fraters crew (with ringer Nihilist in Golf Pants). However, unlike most of the others, this one is not deserved. There were not one, but two mistakes made in favor of the Fraters team unjustly increasing their score from 22 to 24.

The team consisting of Sisyphus, Margaret Martin, Laura Hemmler, and Policy Guy was originally given a score of 22, but when the actual correct answers are used to grade our trivia sheet, our score increases to 23. (The team of Jen and three ringers which was quite enthusiastically celebrating their victory over Fraters falls into a first place tie with us, when the correct answers are used).

The two disputed questions are:
“How many independent states are within the borders of Italy (including Italy itself)?” We correctly answered three: Italy, Vatican City, and San Marino. Team Fraters was mistakenly given credit for their incorrect answer of two.

The other disputed question:
“What was the name of the ship that brought the first permanent English settlers to North America?” The first permanent English settlement in North America was Jamestown, Virginia, founded in 1607. The three ships that brought the settlers from England were the Susan Constant, the Godspeed, and Discovery. Any one of those would have been correct answers, but credit was given only for the “Mayflower” which brought the pilgrims from England in 1620 – thirteen years after the settlement of Jamestown!

While we four trivia co-champs (with Jen and her three ringers) were denied our rightful prizes (free drink tickets and shots from quizmaster Marty for defeating Fraters) we are not campaigning for our rightful bounty, but are merely setting the record straight. Congratulations Margaret, Laura, and John. We know that we are the true champions.

The Phantom in Golf Pants

Separated at Birth?

The Nihilist in Golf Pants as Elvis Presley

and

Lon Chaney as the Phantom of the Opera?

A Sisyphean Proposal

For quite some time now, the selling of stadium naming rights has been a big income generator. Corporations pay anywhere from a few hundred thousand to several million dollars a year to have their name pasted on a stadium or arena (ESPN has an interesting list here). The benefit to the corporations, of course, is that they get their names mentioned and their signs seen during sporting events. Initially, there was some grumbling from fans over the loss of traditional stadium names, but now most have gotten over it and accept that their favorite team plays in an arena named after a phone company or bank.

I’m sure you’re aware of the state quarter program of the U.S. Mint. Minnesota is the next state to have its quarter released. The design chosen contains a lake with a duck and men fishing from a boat. Yawn. Why not scrap the boring, clichéd design and sell the rights to our quarter design? If people want to keep the quarter Minnesota themed, we could even limit the bidding to Minnesota companies. For a nice fat fee 3M could engrave it with Post-it® notes or Scotch® tape. Medtronic could put a pacemaker on it, or the Mall of America could put on their logo.

People go out of their way to seek out new state quarters, just think of the eyeballs the advertiser would get. Considering that the quarter will be around for years and years, I think a fee in the tens (hundreds?) of millions would not be out of the question.

Sure, some may object that the state quarters are supposed to reflect the heritage of the state, but that’s why we limit it to Minnesota companies. Everyone knows that Minnesota has lakes, but not everyone knows that we are also the home of the Post-it® note.

I can’t even see the lefties complaining about this one. What are they going to do? Accuse us of over-commercializing money? Come on folks, it’s a win-win situation. Let’s replace the lake with a stream – a revenue stream.

Casting Call

The Nihilist in Golf Pants is on to a winner with his right-wing blogger friendly movie “The MOB Rules”. Unfortunately, he is less skilled as a casting director. So, we sent him back to the word processor to write a bigger part for King Banaian while we work out the deals to land the following cast:
NIGP – Ray Romano
Sisyphus – Mel Gibson
Chad The Elder – Jon Stewart
St. Paul – Frank Caliendo
JB Doubtless – Ben Affleck
Sober Atomizer – Keanu Reeves
Intoxicated Atomizer – Andy Dick
James Lileks – Bob Balaban
King Banaian – Tom Selleck
Mitch Berg – Randy Quaid
Big Trunk – V-Toed Bill
Hindrocket – Learned Foot
Deacon – Steve Buscemi
Warrior Monk – Andy Garcia
Eloise – Mary Steenburgen
Cap’n Ed – Tommy Lee Jones

Jo – Elisabeth Shue
Mark W. – Nicholas Cage
And then they will make the sequel: “Leaving Deadwood”

Margaret Martin – Penelope Cruz
David Strom – Ricky Gervais
Terry Keegan – Sean Connery
Virginia Keegan – Cybill Shepherd
Marty Neumann – Alex Trebek
Nathan Anderson – Joey Fatone
PMB – John Malkovich
Learned Foot – Brett Favre
V-Toed Bill – Fabio
Noodles – Phillip Seymour Hoffman
Mac Penguin – Jennifer Coolidge
First Ringer – Josh Hartnett
JD – Garrison Keillor
Policy Guy – Gary Cole (Bill Lumdbergh from Office Space)
Mark Yost – Tom Arnold
Mrs. Yost – Frances McDormand
Gary DvK – Jon Lauck
DC – Holly Hunter
Bogus Doug – the guy who played Michael Bolton in Office Space
Jim Boyd – Peter Boyle
Nick Coleman – Larry David
Laura Billings – Eve Plumb
Laura H. – Jennifer Aniston
Hugh Hewitt – Peter Billingsley
Ghost of Elvis – NIGP
Cathy in Wright – Teri Hatcher
Anoka Flash – Al Franken
Chief – Matt Damon
Swiftee – Dennis Hopper
Cap’n Fishsticks – Bill Murray
Patrick Campion – Wayne Knight
St. Paul Groupie #1 – Jessica Simspon
St. Paul Groupie # 2 – Pamela Anderson Lee
St. Paul Groupie # 3 – Lisa Loeb
St. Paul Groupie # 4 – Angelina Jolie
St. Paul Groupie # 5 – Tom Cruise
St. Paul Groupie # 6 – Kirstie Alley
St. Paul Groupie # 7 – Kirsten Dunst
St. Paul Groupie # 8 – Reese Witherspoon
St. Paul Groupie # 9 – Anna Nicole Smith
St. Paul Groupie # 10 – Jennifer Lopez

Negotiations in the Works

No, I'm not talking about my potential congressional run in 2006. I'm talking about the screenplay I've been shopping around Hollywood. You see after the Passion of the Christ, the major studios have begun to realize there's money to be made by appealing to us folk over in Jesusland.

In order to cash in on that realization, I quickly penned a screenplay about bloggers titled, "The Mob Rules." The plot should be kind of the opposite of All the President's Men and loosely based on reality. Instead of reporters uncovering corruption and cover-ups to bring down the the evil Nixon, bloggers uncover corruption and cover-ups to bring down evil reporters. However, there is a Judas among the bloggers, a sociopathic psycho who infiltrates the MOB with plans to kill everyone. Who will stop him? Of course, the Nihilist in Golf Pants and Sisyphus.

Negotiations are the word of the day, as Ronnie James Dio is still asking a steep price for the rights to "The Mob Rules," as the title song.

Casting has been difficult. Here was my wish list, with a few comments (you're on your own for most of the links):

NIGP - The Rock
Sisyphus - Vin Diesel
Pink Monkeybird - John Malkovich
St. Paul - Frank Caliendo
Chad The Elder - Jeff Goldblum
Atomizer - Keaneau Reeves
Jo - Cameron Diaz
Margaret Martin - Ashley Judd
Cap'n Ed - Tommy Lee Jones
Terry Keegan Sean Connery
Virginia Keegan Cybil Shephard
St. Paul's Groupie #1 - Jessica Simpson
St. Paul Groupie #2 - Pamela Anderson Lee

Note that Billy Bob Thornton turned down the role of Pink Monkeybird, due to a fear that the character is a little further out there than the roles he usually chooses. I'm afraid Malkovich might feel the same way.

Here are some actors who have signed on for the film, should we get it made:

Learned Foot - Andrew "Dice" Clay
V-Toed Bill - Tom Arnold
James Lileks - Charles Martin Smith
Patrick Campion - Wayne Knight
Nathan Anderson - Joey Fatone
Laura Billings - Eve Plumb
Mitch Berg - John Ashton

Note: Danny Woodburn has signed on and has read for the parts of David Strom and Marty Newton. He may have to perform in a Peter Sellers-like dual role. I also had Denver Pyle slated for the role of Cap'n Fishsticks, then I found out he was dead. Finally, yes I did leave the Powerliners out of this bit for fear of being sued. I left Nick Coleman out just for spite.

Overload

Too much to satirize ... can't breathe … where to start … where to start … must fly to my Tahitian Island.

Update: All right, I didn't really flee to the Island. I was just trying to get Doug Grow to dub me “Blogger Substance”.