Monday, July 30, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Chief Justice Roberts Suffered A Seizure

11. Representing the forces of evil takes its toll on the body

10. Heard Mary Hart's voice on TV

9. Excessive stress of waiting for Sisyphus to post

8. Threatened to spill the beans about Dick Cheney

7. Drank some of the booze supplied at Brian "St. Paul" Ward's bachelor party

6. Spent the day trying to speak logic to the Senate judiciary committee

5. Asked by the White House to correct grammar and syntax in President Bush's latest speach

4. Spent the last month reviewing campaign finance reform documents

3. Saw Hillary naked

2. You'd have a seizure too if you spent all day listening to Ruth Bader Ginsberg

1. Republicans aren't the only ones who can play really dirty tricks

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Baseball Been Barry Barry Good

Populism is a jealousy filled devil that demands we stand against the rich, the powerful and the elite. Populism deifies the mediocre and decries the excellent. That is why there has been a popular backlash against the greatest baseball player of our generation's quest to break the most hallowed record in sports.

Barry Bonds has been called many things. But today he is mostly known as a villian, a cheater. As Bonds heads toward Hank Aaron's most prized record of 755 home runs, popular opinion has excoriated him for using illegal substances to enable his legendary statistics. Allegations of anabolic steroid use have made him a pariah.

I have to ask why we care if Barry got a little edge. If there is anything that I am, it is a sports junkie. Like many males, if left to my own devices I will watch sports all day, at least as background to my daily activities. My favorite sports are America's favorites: football and baseball. What do we want to see in those sports? In football it is speedy runners heading for the end zone only to be met with bone crunching tackles. I love the idea of a 280 lb linebacker running like a gazelle to take a running back's head off. In baseball, we want to see pitches approaching 100 mph swatted into the seats 425 feet away by batters. Steroids help to make sports more entertaining. When I was a boy as recently as the 1980s, a powerful middle infielder hit fifteen home runs a season. Now we see them hit three times that many. That's three times as much excitement, I say.

Let's face it, people who play many sports are freaks. The average weight of an NFL lineman is well over 300 lbs. The NBA has hundreds of players that are close to seven feet tall. I say let the freaks get freakier for my entertainment.

Speaking of the NBA, people bring up the integrity issue. Steroid users have complete integrity, as opposed to point shavers or those who gamble on the outcome of games they are involved in. Steroid users take the drugs in order to perform better and eventually win. There is no conflicting motive. In fact, they do so at considerable risk to their long term quality of life. Their heads grow freakishly large, their, shall we say fruitstand is likely to wither, they are likely to experience mood swings and liver failure. All in the pursuit of my entertainment!

Critics say Barry violated the integrity of the game by refusing to play by the rules. Maybe so. How has baseball historically treated those who use foreign substances to violate the integrity of the game?

Gaylord Perry was known for throwing a spitball, an illegal pitch that features a foreign object (not necessarily spit) to help it to break more than a normal pitch. The last time I checked he was in the hall of fame, warts and all. In 1987 Twins pitcher Joe Neikro was ejected from a game and suspended for carrying an illegal substance (an emory board) to the mound with him for the same purpose. Neikro got a slap on the wrist and was allowed to help the Twins claim a World Series title.

I would like to close with a list of activities that have put sports related figures in the news in recent months. Which of these are worse than juicing up in pursuit of immortality?

- Throwing the outcome of NBA games, including possibly playoff contests
- Running a dog fighting ring
- Gunfight outside a strip club
- Fistfight inside a strip club

- The NHL's abysmal TV ratings
- Murdering one's wife and child in a rage induced by (er, the source of the rage can't be conclusively proven)

So I say kudos to Barry Bonds. As you round the bases on your trek into immortality, I hope you do not get hit by a D-battery hurled by a baseball purist.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Helping Brian Lambert Get a Real Job

In a single 650 word post at his Rake magazine media blog about low morale and rumored firings at the Channel 5 KSTP newsroom, Brian Lambert made the following references to the Bush administration:

“OK. Here's a pop quiz. Which of the following headlines strikes you as the most routine, to the point of no longer even being newsworthy?

‘Mideast in Turmoil’
’Bush Says Surge is Working’
’Gonzales Can Not Recall His Own Name’”

“Only Dick Cheney could be as flat out dead wrong as often as Magid Associates and still be getting a check.”

Ratings have cratered to the point where only Bush's and Cheney's are lower.

Come on, Mr. Lambert. How are you going to get a real job at the Minnesota Monitor or the press office of Keith Ellison if you don’t have the guts to really go after the jugular? How about throwing in some Bush-Hitler references, at least?

Here, I’ll get you started:
“Only Bush’s decision to attack the Twin Towers has lowered morale more than KSTPs decision to continue to use Magid Associates.”

Stepping up your rhetoric would so P3WN Bush and before you knew it, George Soros would be at your door with a big check.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Top 11 Discoveries By Doctors During President Bush's Colonoscopy

11. You seen one, you've seen 'em all

10. That the Secret Service really is ALWAYS on the job

9. Remnants of pretzel he choked on

8. Puppetmaster Dick Cheney's hand

7. Significant similarities between the the sphyncter and most members of the mainstream media

6. Their job is even less fun when their patient enjoys Mexican food

5. Cap'n Ed's lip prints

4. One less gerbil than they found in Richard Gere's recent scoping

3. The origin of the administration's immigration policy

2. The President was considerably less enthusiastic about the procedure than Barney Frank was

1. Chunks of guys like Harry Reid in his stool

Saturday, July 21, 2007

The Sun Never Sweats On The British Empire

This is a big weekend for Anglophiles. Our cousins across the sea can feel a little better about themselves as America is obsessed with the Brits, at least for one weekend. Idiots waited in line for the sale of the final Harry Potter book last night at midnight. Then tonight, David Beckham made his debut with the LA Galaxy in an exhibition game against Chelsea. Finally, the British Open is in full swing, with Spaniard Sergio Garcia leading an international field. One would think that Britain is the world power once again like they haven't been since their Queen was named Victoria. But let's look closely at these three events taking place.

Harry Potter is unquestionably a literary phenomenon, selling 325 million copies before last night. But let's remember, it's a children's book. I am very supportive of people reading to their kids, and if the chillrins like Harry Pothead, then I say read it to the little brats. But if your life is so empty that you need to wait in line at midnight at the start of a weekend for a kiddie book, then you are messed up. It's not like you'll be the first one to see a movie. And at over 700 pages you won't finish it all that quickly either. This is for the kiddies. Read them a chapter each night and by the time school starts you will both know whether he lives or dies. Skipping ahead makes you a total and complete loser.

Speaking of losers, anyone excited over David Beckham's debut in an exhibition game meets that criteria. Now, I'm not the kind of anti-soccer (and yes, it's soccer, not football - this is America) zealot that mocks this minor sport. It's just that there is so much wrong with this picture. Let's start with the fact that in America, only Denny Green thinks exhibitions are important. Next, Beckham is 32 years old and definitely on the downside of his career. He sat out most of the game with an injury that looks to hobble him for most of the MLS season. And he's making about $50 million a year, something I can't comprehend being supported by his team's revenue stream. Finally, for good or bad, Americans generally don't give a damn about soccer. By the way, Beckham's Galaxy lost. It wouldn't have taken a psychic to predict the score, 1-0. Note to David Beckham: Pele was a much better player than you. He came to a bigger market. And he still couldn't sell soccer to the USA. If he couldn't then you won't.

I need to make a small aside regarding Beckham's overrated wife Victoria, aka Posh Spice. The Spice Girls were musically untalented and not that hot. Her reality TV show looks to be The Simple Life if it weren't on a farm. Unless she claws some bimbo's eyes out in the first episode, it won't last three months.

Finally, let's look at the British Open. This is the one British import that is all that it's cracked up to be. First played in 1860, it has more tradition than any major sporting tournament or event. While Sergio Garcia may be a runaway winner, Steve Stricker posted a -7 (64) today to lurk three strokes behind. And don't forget that Tiger Woods (a far more dominant athelete than Beckham) is conceivably still in the hunt at eight strokes back. You want international competition? The top 15 players hail from nine different countries.

As far as international intrigue, I'll grant Britain one out of three this weekend.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Top 11 Ways the Star Tribune is Preparing for Dick Cheney’s Two Hours as President

11. Jetting to Tehran to act as human shields

10. Search: “Bush is Hitler”
Replace: “Cheney is Hitler”

9. Spending the day in a bomb shelter

8. Use the money from the sale of the parking lots to buy Halliburton stock

7. Watch “Patton” over and over

6. Avoid talking on cell phones

5. Journalism union vote on whether Cheney should resign the Presidency

4. Hiding from the big Guantanamo round up

3. Lots and lots of Dick double entendres

2. Editorial pleading with Cheny to pardon Paris Hilton

1. Quadrupling the thickness of the tin foil on their hats

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Top 11 Highlights of Last Night's All-Night Slumber Party in the Senate

11. Toilet papering the House of Representatives

10. Robert Byrd cutting eye-holes in the pillowcases

9. Crank calls to General Petraeus

8. Pillow fight between Ted Kennedy and John McCain

7. The girl Senators braiding Joe Biden's hairpiece

6. Hillary short-sheeting Obama's bed

5. Putting a sleeping Dick Durbin's hand in a bowl of warm water

4. Watching in horror as Ted Kennedy consumed his 14th midnight snack

3. Making a list of the dreamiest members of the Supreme Court

2. Spooky stories about ghosts and Amy Klobuchar's face

1. Forming of a committee to investigate whether Karl Rove has cooties

Michael and Me

"Why weren't you at the MOB bash?" people have been asking me. "And why aren't you posting much anymore?"

The answer is that I have been pretty busy. As you likely know, I'm not a big fan of Michael Moore, who just released another vehemently anti-American film titled "Sicko". While the talented St. Paul has watched Moore from a distance and determined a definitive resemblence between the actions and words of Michael Moore and Cape Fear villian Max Cady, I was trying to get closer.

I went off to find Michael Moore to get some answers about his anti-American filmmaking. Boy was he hard to get to.

First I tried conducting an e-mail interview by contacting him on

I wanted to ask Michael Moore why he, one of the richest filmmakers in the world, felt the need to ridicule and undermine America, the country that has been so good to him, but Michael wasn't talking.

Then I went off to his hometown of Flint, Michigan to see if anyone knew where Michael Moore was. I looked at Burger King. I looked at McDonalds. I looked at Dairy Queen. I even called some local cardiologists, but no one knew where Michael Moore was. The trip wasn't a total loss, though. I did meet Bob Eubanks and learned how to skin a small domesticated animal (not from Bob).

So I kept on trying to find Michael, but to no avail. I guess I should have tried Jimmy Carter's house.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Top 11 Off-Ice Seminars At The Boogaard’s Hockey Fighting Camp

Minnesota Wild enforcer Derek Boogaard and his brother have opened a hockey fighting camp. Not all of it is on the ice, there is also classroom instruction. Here are the top 11 off-ice seminars at the Boogaard’s hockey fighting camp:

11. Case Study: Neal Broten vs. Wayne Gretzky – What Not to Do in a Hockey Fight

10. Scoring the Occasional Goal and Other Ways to Kill Time between Fights

9. Take That Osama! – Using Visualization

8. “Putting on the Foil” and Other Fighting Myths

7. The Liberal Approach: Allowing Sanctions Time to Work before Dropping the Gloves

6. Advanced Seminar in Getting the Other Guys Jersey over His Head

5. Cat Fight: Dropping the Gloves isn’t Just for Boy’s Hockey Anymore

4. An Introduction to the Hanson Brothers

3. How to Steer a Fight So That You Can Keep Your Best Side to the Camera

2. 101 Ways to Amuse Yourself in the Penalty Box

1. Walter Mondale on the Psychology of Taking a Beating

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Top 11 Photos So Embarrasing That Miss New Jersey Wouldn't Release Them

Miss New Jersey was being blackmailed by someone who threatened to issue embarrasing photos of her. Rather than capitulate to the blackmailer's demands, she issued two embarrasing photos of herself. One had some guy licking her fully clothed boob, the other had her demonstrating the missionary position, again fully clothed. Here are the top 11 photos that she found too embarrasing to release.

11. Photo of her peeing in a cup at Lambeau Field

10. Photo of her giving campaign advice to John McCain

9. Photo of her really enjoying a corndog at the state fair

8. Photo of her watching "The View"

7. Photo of her attending an arena football game

6. Photo of her in an "I Heart New York shirt"

5. Photo of her on a date with Senator David Vitter

4. Photo of her and dozens of others at the "Live Earth" concert

3. Photo of her flipping the bird to another beauty pageant contestand (granted, this wouldn't embarrass in New Jersey, but it would in middle America)

2. Photo of her attending the latest MOB event

1. Photo of her laughing at one of Al Franken's jokes

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Top 11 Ways I Would Advise Senator David Vitter To Respond To This Frequenting Prostitutes Thing

11. “It’s hard for a Senator to find a date on his own – just ask Dean Barkley.”

10. “Since when does everyone make a big deal about a Senator whoring around? Next thing you know they’ll be criticizing Senatorial drunkenness.”

9. “I kept hoping I’d get one that looked like Julia Roberts in ‘Pretty Woman’.”

8. “At least I didn’t supply John Belushi with cocaine and write four god-awful movies like a certain Senate candidate I could name.”

7. “I was trying to swing the crucial hooker block into the Republican column.”

6. “It’s not like we’re talking Crack Hos here, these were classy, high-priced escorts.”

5. “I wanted to give myself a reason to take an AIDs test like all of those Democratic Presidential candidates.”

4. “Heard that it was hard out there for a pimp, and wanted to ease their burden.”

3. “Hey, I bet Paris Hilton is up to something wacky, you should look into that.”

2. “Not everyone has the magnetism of Learned Foot doing Iron Maiden karaoke.”

1. “The bitch set me up!”

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

It Isn't Easy Being Green

Yahoo has a tool that allows you to calculate your carbon footprint. I filled it out for Al Gore.

Question 1: What kind of building do you live in?

Since mansion isn't a choice, I'll settle for "single family house."

Question 2: How many bedrooms in your home?

It feels safe to say 5 or more.

Question 3: How many people live in your home?

I assumethat Al III is not living at home, though I'm pretty sure he's not yet incarcerated. However, I will will give the Gores credit for a couple of servants. Four in total.

Question 4: What state do you live in?

Washington, DC is probably the right answer, but I will put Tennessee.

Question 5: Do you drive automobiles? What kind? How often?

I'm guessing Al uses limousines. Since that's not a category, I'll choose large car. I'll assume Al puts average mileage on it (8,000 - 16,000 miles).

Final Question: Do you fly? How many short trips? How many cross-country trips? How many overseas trips?

I'll assume Al takes one trip a week. Let's assume 20 short trips per year, 20 cross-country trips and 10 overseas trips. Let's calculate our result:

Ouch! Al creates 140 metric tons of CO2 per year. The normal, everyday "scums" as Al may refer to the rest of us create just under 10 tons per year.

However, Al says he mitigates his CO2 output. And Yahoo's tool offers ways to do that. I'll check that out for Al. Some of the suggestions are probably not likely to apply to Al. I'm guessing his image consultants won't let him air dry his clothes, they'd prefer he dry clean them. Also, he doesn't appear to be participating in "meatless meal day." Finally, I don't see Al schlepping a canvas bag to the grocery store or mowing his lawn with a push-mower. However, I'll be generous and say he cuts CO2 by doing all of the suggestions presented by Yahoo. He could cut his CO2 output by just under 10 metric tons. Then he would be only spewing 13 times as much CO2 as those typical Americans that he loves badgering.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Top 11 Lesser Known Democratic Congressional Investigations

According to the White House, the Democrats have opened 300 Congressional investigations of the executive branch in their first 100 days. Not all of them are high-profile – here are the top 11 lesser known investigations:

11. Who planted the pot and other drugs in Al Gore’s son’s Prius to detract from Live Aid?

10. Has the White House failed to enforce Cheryl Crow’s one-square per restroom visit toilet paper quota?

9. Was Dick Cheney juiced on steroids during the 2000 election recount?

8. Is Rush Limbaugh responsible for the very, very, very, low IMDB ratings of the movies written by Al Franken?

7. Just exactly where is Waldo and why is the Bush administration hiding him?

6. Was Halliburton responsible for the Soprano’s ending?

5. Has George W. Bush been injecting politics into politics?

4. Who is hotter Rosie O’Donnell or Hillary Clinton?

3. Did Dick Cheney assist Lord Voldemort in killing Harry Potter?

2. Investigation into the misuse of “Law & Order” to launch Republican presidential campaigns

1. Did the White House lie about the number of Congressional investigations that the Democrats have opened?

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Top 11 Changes Mark Yost Would Make As Commissioner of MLB

11. Only landed gentry allowed to attend games

10. All stadium concourses expanded to a minimum of 40 feet to accomodate egos of Brooklyn-born fans

09. Nostaglia conflating days of carefree youthfulness with a dirty, smelly, over-crowded concrete jungle encouraged

08. All cute 20-something girls prone to exposing thong straps will be required to don a hijab

07. MVP awards based on a player's proximity to Brooklyn

06. ESPN would present MLB with an action-plan explaining how they could become even more east coast centric

05. All ballpark announcements done in the "Whatchoo lookin' at?" Brooklyn tough guy accent

04. All fans required to recite names of the Five Burroughs before given admittance to ballpark

03. All food in all stadiums catered by Don Peppe's, Ozone Park, Queens

02. Recordings of Bob Costas explaining the "poetry of the game" to be played during seventh inning stretch

01. No retards

Monday, July 02, 2007

Top 11 Reasons President Bush Commuted Scooter Libby’s Prison Sentence

11. After the immigration bill failed, Bush just had to give amnesty to someone

10. Not much else more he can do to really rile up the left

9. He sent the unqualified husband of a C.I.A. secret agent to Nigeria to look for evidence of perjury, and none was found

8. No one named Scooter would ever survive more than two seconds in prison

7. Scooter is claustrophobic and would be depressed in jail

6. Halliburton asked really nicely

5. At least he didn’t stay in Congress after being caught taking bribes like John Murtha, Alcee Hastings, and William Jefferson

4. Didn’t want the nation to go through another prison nightmare so close to the Paris Hilton incarceration

3. Was worried about prison overcrowding

2. Bill Clinton convinced him that perjury is no big deal

1. It was his reward for not spilling the beans on 9/11 being an inside job

Top 11 Gifts That The Nihilist In Golf Pants Received On His 40th Birthday From Fellow Bloggers

11. A half-price Applebee's appetizer coupon from JB Doubtless

10. A box of cannoli from Learned Foot

9. David Bowie's Greatest Hits from Diamond Dog

8. A voucher for five minutes of free legal advice from John Hinderaker

7. A voucher for janitorial services from Hal Kimball

6. The opportunity to buy the 2007 City Pages Best Right Wing Blog at a steep discount from Dan Lacey

5. Bouzouki lessons from Mitch Berg

4. A crate of remaindered copies of "A Mormon in the White House?" from Hugh Hewitt

3. Two rolls of seasonal paper towels and a package of matching napkins from James Lileks

2. An agreement from Kevin Ecker to do all of his gardening for $2 an hour

1. Fedora with press pass from Jeff Fecke

Following the Money

A couple of weeks ago, Saint Paul at Fraters Libertas wrote a now famous post on Al Franken’s FEC report, exposing the Ben Stein’s and Barbara Bosson’s among Al's big money contributors. He suggested that I do the same with Norm Coleman’s FEC report. Thanks a lot, Saint Paul. Not only is Norm’s report about five times longer than Franken’s, finding a celebrity among Norm’s contributors is about as easy as finding a parking spot at the Star Tribune.

Sure, there are a few contributions from local stars, like Joe Soucheray’s radio producer, Matthew “The Rookie” Michalski ($200) and $1000 from former Gopher football coach Glen Mason (if Norm has a big lead going into the final quarter of the campaign, I hope he gives Coach Mason a wide berth). But there are no actor/salad dressing magnates or sitcom writer wives anywhere to be found.

Not to say that there are no recognizable names. For example, Norm received $250 from Michael Bolton. But since this Michael Bolton is from Minneapolis, he is probably neither the singer nor the guy from Office Space. Another recognizable name is U.S. Attorney Rachel Palouse, who kicked $1500 into Normie’s coffers (no one tell Nick Coleman).

Another well-represented group is local sports team owners. Twins owner Carl Pohlad ($4000), Timberwolves owner Glen Taylor ($2000), Wild Co-Owner, Jac Sperling ($2000), and former Vikings owner B. J. “Red” McCombs ($2100). Conspicuously absent is the current owner of the Vikings (and the Star Tribune parking lots) Zygi Wilf – Zygmunt contributed $2000 to Paul Wellstone in 2002.

If celebrities don’t give to Norm, who does? Many of his contributions seem to come from average Minnesotans, like Apple Valley homemaker Loree Hinderaker ($1000). Coleman received about 8% of his individual contributions from homemakers to about 5.5% for Franken. The table below shows the percentage of individual contributions each candidate has received from selected occupations.

Source: FEC reports for Franken and Coleman. NOTE: The FEC reports seem to have duplicate entries and occasionally missing occupation information. I did not attempt to correct for this, so the numbers in the table should be considered approximate.

As expected, Franken nearly doubles Coleman’s percentage when it comes to contributions from attorneys. The retired, however, prefer Norm (must be the Medicare drug benefit). Educators and Students overwhelmingly support Franken, probably because of their more casual attitude towards illegal drug use. The big surprise is the Clergy. Although Coleman is supposedly a tool of the evil religious right, only Franken has received contributions from clergy.

We already know that Franken crushes Coleman when it comes to squeezing money out of show people, but the extent of the rout is surprising. They make up more than a quarter of Franken’s individual contributions and less than 1% of Coleman’s. The most common explanation for this is that Franken shares the far-left politics that are typical of the Hollywood elite. I have a different theory – they know that if Franken is busy raising our taxes in Washington, he won’t be harming their industry by writing lousy movies like The Coneheads, One More Saturday Night, When A Man Loves A Woman, or Stuart Saves His Family. Seriously, has anyone in the history of cinema written or co-written four worse movies (movies that were actually released in theaters, excluding porn). I think not, but if you have a counter-example, please leave it in the comments.