Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Top 11 Agenda Items For the First 100 Days of the Dennis Kucinich Administration

11. Investigation into the connection between Soylent Green and Halliburton

10. Agent Mulder named head of the FBI

9. Bill Richardson appointed U.S. Ambassador to Alpha Centauri

8. Jean Luc Picard relieved of command of the Enterprise for being a warmonger

7. Shirley MacClaine appointed primary science advisor

6. Pledge that before this decade is out, we will fake landing O.J. on Mars

5. Close Guantanamo and transfer everyone to Area 57

4. Will hire 100,000 more Men in Black to patrol the streets

3. Will institute a Manhattan Project to create an unstoppable cyborg (modeled after California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger)

2. Institute Plans 10 and 11 from Outer Space

1. Propose a law making it illegal to snatch someone’s body without their consent

Friday, October 26, 2007

Top 11 Reasons Dick Cheney Fell Asleep During A Meeting on the California Fires

11. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s soothing voice

10. Being evil 24/7 is tiring

9. Trying to recapture the spirit of Ronald Reagan

8. Got bored after he heard the planes were dropping water and not bombs

7. He was up late at Halliburton planning the invasion of Iran

6. Global warming plus the heat from the fires created perfect napping conditions

5. The meeting was held near a recently burned hemp field

4. Wasn't sleeping, still in shock over report that he's related to Barak Obama

3. Yawn. Wake him if a red state starts burning

2. He only looked like he was sleeping as a ruse to lure prey

1. Poor children--like turkey--contain a lot of tryptophan

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Wetterling Foundation To Al Gore: Suck It

Monday was the anniversary of the abduction of Jacob Wetterling. In memorial, the Wetterling foundation launched an attack on rival special interest groups that are focused on global warming. Per the Star Tribune:

Today is the 18th anniversary of the abduction of young Jacob Wetterling, and families across Minnesota are being asked to leave on a porch light today in a symbolic effort to help light the way home for Jacob and other missing children.

In their biased manner, the Strib doesn't include any quotes from global warming alarmists who believe that the futile gesture of illuminating millions of porch lights will spell doom for far more children than the relatively small number who are abducted at gunpoint each year.

The Wetterling Foundation disputes my characterization that they "launched an attack" against anyone and have asked me to retract the comment. I would inform them as well as anyone else who is confused on this matter that this blog is satirical in nature. Readers should not use this blog as a source for accurate reporting of events. Kind of like Nick Coleman's column.

The first comment in this string is a statement authored by the Executive Director of the Foundation and reflects their official position on the matter.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Cynical Vikings Guy: A Declaration of Football Independence

Editor’s Note:
Wow. We haven’t heard much from Cynical Vikings Guy this year. Now we know that he has been hard at work over that time. Apparently the Minnesota Vikings loss to the Dallas Cowboys has pushed CVG to make a dramatic declaration. In retrospect, I guess we should have seen this coming.

Here is Cynical Vikings Guy’s “A Declaration of Football Independence”:

When in the Course of a football season it becomes necessary for one fan to dissolve the fanatical bands which have connected him with an NFL team, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that he should declare the causes which impel him to the separation.

I hold these truths to be self-evident, that all teams are created equal, that they are endowed by the NFL with the same salary cap. That to enjoy Sunday afternoon, I turn on the TV and cheer my favorite of these NFL teams. That when my team sucketh so bad as to be destructive to these ends, it is the Right of the Fan to alter or abolish his allegiance to it, and to institute a new favorite among the NFL teams, so long as that team is not the Green Bay Packers. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

The Vikings have traditionally made Crappy draft choices (or traded them all to Dallas for that stiff, Herschel Walker) like when they picked Darrin Nelson ahead of Marcus Allen.

The Vikings, when they have accidentally drafted a good player, like Adrian Peterson, have left him on the bench during key drives because they say he can’t block, when his position is running back, not offensive line.

After said accidentally obtained good player rushes for over 200 yards and three touchdowns against the Bears, they declare him to be the back-up to the mediocre Chester Taylor, defying all logic and common sense. They then hand off to him only 12 times against the Cowboys.

The Vikings took a knee against Atlanta in the NFL Championship game.

The Vikings traded the most exciting player in the NFL, Randy Moss, for linebacker Napoleon Harris, who is no longer on the team, and a draft pick that became Troy Williamson, who should not be on the team.

The Vikings traded Daunte Culpepper (who scored five touchdowns with a lousy Oakland team week 4) for a second round draft pick.

The Vikings used that second round draft pick to take Ryan Cook, which everyone agreed was a reach and whose inability to block anyone could result in a quarterback getting killed or maimed.

The Vikings repeatedly fail to defeat the lousy Packers, exposing their fans to obnoxious drunken gloating from Packer fans.

Several Vikings coaching staffs have had no clue as to clock management or when to make a replay challenge.

The Vikings have lost four Super Bowls without winning one.

The Vikings did not fire Denny Green and hire Tony Dungy when they had the chance, as I begged them to.

The Vikings did hire the inept Brad Childress, whose firing I was the fist to call for – before his first pre-season game.

The Vikings have started Kelly Holcomb, a quarterback who has failed with three other teams.

The Vikings are probably somehow to blame for the recent embarrassing loss by the University of Minnesota to some division 1-AA team that no one has ever heard of.

[several dozen additional complaints edited out for brevity -- Sisyphus]

In every stage of these Oppressions I have petitioned for Redress in most humble terms: My repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury and restraining orders. A team, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Lousy Team, is unfit to be the favorite team of a knowledgeable fan.

Nor have I been wanting in attentions to my Vikings. I have warned them from time to time of attempts by their front office to draft stiffs and hire doltish coaches. I have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity, and I have conjured them by the ties of our common rooting interest to disavow these usurpations, which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of mankind, Enemies while Childress coaches, Friends again when he’s fired.

I therefore, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of my intentions, do, in the name and by Authority of the good Fans of the NFL, solemnly publish and declare, That this Fan is, and of Right ought to be Free of and independent, that I am Absolved of all Allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings, and that all fandom connection between myself and the Vikings, is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as a Free and independent fan of the NFL I have the full Power to root for any non-Packer NFL team of my choosing. – And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, I pledge my Life, Fortune, and sacred Honor.

Cynical Vikings Guy

Friday, October 19, 2007

Top 11 Things That SLP Residents Would Rather Have In Their Neighborhood Than An Expansion Of Holy Family Church

(Back Story)

11. Massage parlor

10. Iranian nuclear research facility

9. An abattoir

8. Abortion mill

7. Section 8 apartment complex

6. Minnesota Vikings practice facility

5. Chinese-owned toy factory

4. Crips World-Wide Headquartaz

3. Manure lagoon

2. A tire fire

1. Lindsay Lohan

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Hand Over Your Wallet, Or The Kids Get It

I recently received a well produced piece of propaganda in the mail from my local school district (Robbinsdale). It seems that they want to raise per student referendum funding levels by a mere 74% (from $848 to $1473 per pupil). An interesting aside is though per pupil funding is proposed to increase by 74%, the fee to taxpayers is up 82%. That means there are either more kids than before or more properties are being taken off the tax books. The pamphlet gives no details to show which is true.

Before writing me off as another anti-tax crank, I'd actually like to thank the bureaucrats from the district for putting together an informational mailing that contains relevant financial data. I don't mind too much that they have spun it, since someone with time and a calculator can decipher the truth, at least for the most part.

So why increase funding per pupil by 74%? They claim that it is due to a funding shortfall from the state. There is a neat little chart that says state funding hasn't kept up with inflation. Now the numbers on the chart are round, so I will have to estimate, but it looks like the state is giving the district about $60 million this year. It looks like the 1991-92 figure was $45 million. That is an increase of 33.3%, or 2.1% annually. Inflation over that time period was indeed closer to 3% than 2% (the blue line on the graph). However there is one big problem with this claim. The district just passed a levy in 2001, which should have taken into account state funding shortfalls that they claim began in the early 1990s.

So the district wants you to vote them a big raise. If we don't, they promise (among other things) to:

1 - Close one elementary school
2 - Eliminate elementary art
3 - Eliminate the gifted and talented program
4 - Increase class sizes for secondary and middle school
5 - Eliminate middle school activities and athletics or increase fees
6 - Eliminate elementary and secondary non-teaching positions, including transportation and administration

The best part is they claim that this only saves $5 million, so they will be making more draconian cuts next year. This sounds like the budget decisions people in the private sector have to make all of the time. Too bad they can't just pass a levy on their customer's neighbors instead of managing to a budget.

I'd like just a minute to rebut the Gore-like hysteria regarding how the sky will fall if these cuts are made.

1 - Closing a school: the school district has 17 schools and 10 "learning centers." I have no idea what a learning center is, but if I counting this as 27 schools, then closing one would result in an impact to less than 4% of facilities. And if a learning center isn't the same thing as a school, then why not close a bunch of them to save the money. I don't remember going to learning center as a kid.

2 - Eliminating art: what a tragedy it would be if little Sally doesn't bring home a picture of a turkey next month that she drew with her hand print. Art is nice, but not necessary.

3 - Eliminate gifted/talented program: gifted/talented kids in Robbinsdale? I jest. Out of 899 teachers in the system, 3 (not 3%, 3, as in 1-2-3) are dedicated to gifted and talented kids, so maybe I'm not joking. How many of the 12,673 students interact with the 3 gifted and talented program teachers? If this gifted/talented program really does exist and isn't just thrown in as a good sky is falling headline, they could find the funding to save these 3 jobs by cutting somewhere else.

4 - Increase class sizes: this accounts for 28 teachers out of 899, just over 3% of all teachers. Increasing class sizes by 3% equates to adding less than one kid to a class of 30. Scoot the chairs over.

5 - Eliminate activities and athletics: we may have a moral and constitutional obligation to educate the kids, but we don't have any obligation to provide them with dance line or lacrosse. Let their parents pay if they want that.

6 - Eliminate administrative or transportation positions: why haven't they done this already? Cutting bus drivers would be a tragedy? The district is only 30 square miles. Let more kids walk!

Finally, a message to all the kids impacted by this referendum: stay the hell off my lawn!

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Top 11 Titles of the Adult Film Treatment of Al Gore's Movie

11. An Indecent Truth

10. An Inconvenient Orifice

9. Hot Globe Warmers

8. Al Does the Planet

7. Gore's Gone Wild

6. Behind the Green Gore

5. Simultaneous Gorgasm

4. An Insider's Tale of Bill Clinton's White House

3. Kyoto Proto Call Girls

2. Carbon Footprint Fetishists

1. The Noble Piece Prize

Friday, October 12, 2007

It’s Hard Out Here For A Climate Pimp

Al Gore has a Grammy award for best rap record just lying there for the taking. To make it even easier, I have adapted Three-6 Mafia’s Academy Award winning classic, “It’s Hard Out Here For A Pimp” just for him.

WARNING: Explicit lyrics – this is climate rap, after all.

You know it’s hard out here for a climate pimp (you ain’t knowin)
When he tryin to get his money for the mansion (you ain’t knowin)
For the private jets and fuel money spent (you ain’t knowin)
Because a whole lot of scientists talkin my shit (you ain’t knowin)
Because a whole lot of scientists talkin my shit (you ain’t knowin)

In my eyes I done seen some crazy thangs in the climate
Gotta couple weather hos workin on the changes for me
But I gotta keep my game tight like Carter on nobel night
Like takin from a climate ho don’t know no better, I know that ain’t right
Done seen people fly, done seen people SUV
Done seen people live with no Prius for wheels
It’s fucked up planet I live, but that’s just how it is
It might be cool to you, but it’s been warmin up for years
It’s blood sweat and carbon when it comes down to this shit
I’m tryin to get rich on this carbon offsets bitch
I’m tryin to have thangs but it’s hard fo’ a climate pimp
But I’m prayin and I’m hopin my power bill don’t leak, yeah

Man it seems like I’m duckin dodging Lomborg everyday
Judgaz hatin on me cause I got, climate lies on the tray
Butt I gotta stay paid, LA gotta stay above water
When Hollywood goes drown, award winz gets harder
Washington D.C. where I’m from, I’m 1600 bound
Where senataz all the time end up lost and never found
Man these fools think we prove thangs, climate change cred
They come hopin every night, they don't end up bein dead

Wait I got a snow blizzard, and a scorchin drought too
You play the right press and they both support you
That's the way the game goes, gotta keep it strictly pimpin

Gotta have my hustle tight, makin change off climate change, yeah

Top 11 Awards Al Gore Is Going To Win Next

Oh great, Al Gore has won another award. At least this time it’s only the Nobel Peace Prize which has been a joke for years now. I can absolutely guarantee that Al Gore will never win the prestigious Rock Solid in the Bologosphere Award, but unfortunately, I can make no such guarantee for other awards. Here are the top 11 awards that Al Gore will win next:

11. Adult Film Award for Best Male Performance in the X-rated version “An Indecent Truth”

10. Grammy Award for Best Rap Record, “It’s Hard out Here for a Climate Pimp”

9. Dickin Medal

8. The Lady Byng Memorial Trophy

7. Miss Teen South Carolina

6. Thorarinsson Medal for Volcanology

5. Friends of Lulu Award

4. Mark Twain Prize for American Humor

3. All-America City Award

2. Pipe Smoker of the Year

1. Order of Lenin

Thursday, October 11, 2007

You kids need a less hellbound family!

Toddler Given Marijuana in Menomonee Falls:

"Hey buddy! Are you stoned"?

Prosecutors say that question was asked to a 2-year old boy in Menomonee Falls, and they claim it happened when a mother from Menomonee Falls got high with her 2 year old son.

The woman and two of her friends are facing charges for sharing marijuana with the toddler and then recording it all on their cellphone.

The criminal complaint says the three had agreed to keep the incident a secret, but police received a tip and obtained a court order to seize the video that includes images of the boy wearing a motorcycle helmet and staggering around a bathroom, "in what appears to be a confused and altered state."

The complaint says one of the mother's friends can be heard asking the question. Laughter and other voices, including the mother's, are then heard,

Waukesha County District Attorney Brad Schimel says the mother still has custody of the boy, under monitoring by the Waukesha County Department of Human Services. She and the boy live with her mother.

We really need to find something for Packer fans to do between games. No word yet whether Obnoxious Packer Guy condones such behavior, but--in the absence of a public statement denouncing it--we can only assume that his silence indicates assent.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Top 11 Names for the New Party Being Considered by Some Religious Conservatives

11. The Elect Hillary Party

10. The Silly Party

9. The Janet Reno for the Supreme Court Party

8. The Marginalized Party

7. The Ted Olson Should Have No Say In Judicial Appointments Party

6. The Maybe Hillary Is Lying About Being Pro Choice Party

5. The Take Our Ball and Go Home Party

4. The Ideologically Pure Losers Party

3. The Fight For Your Right To Party

2. The Maybe George Soros Will Give Us Money Party

1. The Soon We Will Be As Influential As Pat Buchanan and Ralph Nader Party

Sunday, October 07, 2007

Breaking News from Cynical Vikings Guy

After trying to get a hold of Cynical Vikings Guy all season, I have finally succeeded in receiving a communication from him:

The Vikings didn’t lose this week. Enjoy not losing while it lasts, next week they don’t have a bye.

Learned Foot Non-Bindingly Condemned

The People have spoken and they have non-bindingly condemned Learned Foot for believing that Brett Favre is the worst quarterback ever. 35% voted to condemn Foot, 20% agreed that Favre sucks, and 46% refused to vote on a meaningless non-binding resolution.

The official non-binding condemnation reads:
We hereby condemn Learned Foot for not denouncing his co-blogger for declaring that “Brett Favre … [is] the Worst.”

Indeed. Let’s hope that Foot learns something from this, but don’t count on it.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Top 11 Slogans the Baby from the MovOn.Org E-mail Would Have Preferred to Hold Up sent out an e-mail (subject: Bush doesn't care about America's children, but we do) announcing their upcoming rally in Excelsior protesting Bush’s veto of the SCHIP expansion. (This is the perfect location for the protest, as it is inner city Excelsior children who will be hardest hit by the veto.)

The e-mail included this photo:

Come on, MoveOn, you don’t expect us to believe that this baby is clamoring for socialized medicine, do you? Here are the top 11 messages that this baby would be more likely to want to pass along:



Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Top 11 Things President Bush Did After Vetoing Health Insurance For The Children

11. Wiped his feet on the US Constitution

10. Kicked his dog

9. Waterboarded Harry Reid

8. Concocted some lies to justify a war with Iran

7. Stole candy from a baby

6. Illegally wiretapped your phone conversation

5. Outed some covert CIA operatives

4. Evicted a widow from her home

3. Called the troops "a bunch of phonies"

2. Tied a damsel to the railroad tracks

1. Knocked down a bridge during rush hour

NIGP Scoop: Learned Foot Silent On Favre Slur

It has now been over 48 hours since Obnoxious Packer Guy wrote the following over at the Kool-Aid Report:

“Brett Favre … [is] the Worst.”

Since then, Learned Foot has had ample opportunity to condemn OPG, or at least distance himself from the slur. Instead he has chosen to make even more ridiculous attacks against JB and myself. It is odd that Foot has chosen to rip Favre so soon after he set the NFL touchdown pass record and is off to a 4-0 start, but there is no understanding Packer “fans”.

Remember Foot, OPG declared that Favre is the Worst. That means that there can be no quarterback who has ever been worse – and I submit to you that it is indisputable that Don Majkowski was a worse quarterback than Favre.

We here at Nihilist in Golf Pants are so offended by Foot’s dissing of Favre that we have taken the rare and significant step of proposing a non-binding resolution:

Nihilist in Golf Pants Non-Binding Resolution:
We hereby condemn Learned Foot for not denouncing his co-blogger for declaring that “Brett Favre … [is] the Worst.”

Voting is now open on this resolution on the right sidebar.