Top 11 Things That Joe Biden Did For The Community In Lieu of Charitable Giving

11. Raised awareness for the American Hair Plug industry

10. Taught class in "Catholic Social Doctrine" at local church

9. Let articulate black men use his shower to get clean

8. Gave up his seat on the train to old ladies (multiple times)

7. Hands out full-sized candy bars on Halloween

6. Came up with plan for local street gangs to divide up their turf

5. Donated his used underwear to the Salvation Army

4. Recognized wheel-chair bound patients at local Courage Center as part of his "Stand Up" program

3. Gave homeless people rides to the polls on Election Day

2. Helped inner-city students plagiarize speeches

1. Gave speeches into wind turbines to help America achieve energy independence

Wow

We know that Al Franken is not terribly popular even with his fellow Democrats, but I never expected that the Vice Presidential candidate of his own party would so viciously attack him:

Joe Biden has questioned Al Franken’s patriotism.

Communiqué

TO: Vast Right Wing Conspiracy
FROM: You Know Who
SUBJECT: Everything is going according to plan

My Dear Minions,
Bwahhh, hah hah hah, oh bwah hah hah heh. To quote the late, great, Hannibal Smith: I love it when a plan comes together. Oh you doubted me. It is all right to admit it, you doubted. Well, what do you think of me now? Bwah hah hah. Heh heh heh.

Everyone was skeptical when I secretly orchestrated the super-delegate surge to Obama, giving him the nomination despite the fact that more Democrat primary voters voted for Hillary (that is right, Obama was selected, not elected. Selected by me! To Lose!).

You said, “Oh, Karl, Obama will be hard to beat, Hillary will be easy”. But I knew better. I had my secret weapon to make Barack crack. I like that: crack Barack. Crack Barack. Barack has cracked. Heh heh heh heh.

I first spotted Sarah on the Wasilla City Council and have been orchestrating her rise ever since, honing her into the perfect weapon to induce insanity in the Democrats. Bwah! And to help them along, I planted the absurd stories – about the Sarah faking her pregnancy (borrowed that from Desperate Housewives! Did they notice? Hah!). I have planted so many Sarah fables that not even the MSM will believe it when the real skeleton in her closet is revealed!

Heh heh heh heh. The Obama camp thinks they can change their fate, but even if you put hair plugs on a pig, it is still a pig!

YOUR MARCHING ORDER:
Defend Sarah, defend me, defend McCain (yes, you must), attack all Obama, ignore Biden etc etc. Do not get cocky … aw, what the hell, go ahead and get cocky!

Signed,
K

P.S. I hope you all took my advice and shorted oil at 140.

Stalin is the Word

The Minnesota Independent recently printed an article comparing Alaska Governor Sarah Pallin to Joseph Stalin. The obsessive, yearning tone of the piece immediately reminded me of the 1966 classic by the Association, Cherish.

Here are some alternative lyrics I imagine they're singing around the old editorial desk:

Stalin is the word I use to describe
All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside
You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you
You don't know how many times I've wished that I could scold you
You don't know how many times I've wished that I could
Fold you into someone who could
be Stalin as much as Bush is Stalin too

Oh I'm beginning to think that man has never found
The words that could make you obey me
That have the right amount of letters, just the right sound
That could make you hear, make you see
That you are drivin' me out of my mind

Oh I could say I hate you but then you'd realize
That I hate you just like a thousand other liberal guys
Who'd say they hate you, with all the rest of their cries
When all they wanted was to spit on your face, your hands
And spray bleach in your eyes

Fallen is the word that more than applies
To the hope in my heart each time I realize
That I am not gonna be the one to shatter your dreams
That I am not gonna be the one to shatter your schemes
That I am not gonna be the one to shatter what
Seems to be the life that you will lead as
Stalin, as much as I see yours

Stalin is the word I use to describe
All the feeling that I have hiding here for you inside
You don't know how many times I've wished that I had told you
You don't know how many times I've wished that I could scold you
You don't know how many times I've wished that I could
fold you into someone who could
be Stalin as much as Bush is Stalin too

And I do, Cheney too
And I do, Rumsfeld too

Stalin is the word.

Top 11 Things Dave Thune Might Have Said In His Email

St. Paul City Councilman Dave Thune is making news for his constituent service. According to KSTP, he recently responded to an inquiry by a voter as follows:

"[expletive] you little [expletive]".

We thank KSTP for protecting our delicate sensibilities by not printing the verbatim transcription of his words. But it forces us now to speculate on what he really said. The top 11 possibilities:

11) Thank you little buddy.

10) Oh, you little scamp!

9) Cough up you little taxpayer.

8) Stop smoking in bars you little smoker.

7) Puke you little lobbyist.

6) Just try to vote me out of office you little Republican.

5) Silence, you little peasant.

4) Venerate me, you little mortal!

3) Lipstick you little pig.

2) Guerrier you little Crain.

1) Die you little Eichman!

Top 11 Less Strenuous Jobs For Tavaris Jackson

After last night's performance, it's become quite apparent that Tavaris Jackson is not up the physical and mental challenges of being an NFL quarterback (little was asked, less was given). We think it's time for Jackson to think about a career change. In order to assist him in this process, here's our list of less demanding jobs that he should consider given his qualifications:

11. Journalist for the Minnesota Independent

10. Chair of the economics department at St. Cloud State University

9. Star Tribune sports writer

8. MSNBC prime time host

7. University of Minnesota head football coach

6. Community organizer

5. Code Pink protestor

4. Decider Of When Life Begins

3. Maytag repairman

2. Vendor at CivicFest

1. US Senator

A Cougar Worse Than Hillary

Word has it that John Cougar Mellencamp is looking to help Barak Obama solve his problems be rewriting his hit "Small Town" with lyrics to help the Obama campaign. Here is a preview:

Well I was born in a small town
I wish I lived in a big town
Us guys in the small towns
Wish we could organizes communities

We got a mayor in our small town
Cooter, Gomer & Eb can run a real small town
McJobs in the small towns
Provide little opportunity

Educated in a small town
We cling to guns and Jesus in a small town
Used to daydream in that small town
‘Bout how the big city’s the place to be

Can't get arugula in a small town
No hybrid cars in a small town
Married an L.A. doll and brought her to this small town
Now she rightly looks down on me

No I cannot forget the depths that I come from
I know big city people are above me
Just another rube here in this small town
More cosmopolitan is what I want to be

George Bush don’t like the big towns
He unleashed Katrina on a real big town
But New Orleans in its ruin
Is still a better place to be

Well I'm really stuck in a small town
Ain't got much luck in a small town
Gonna die in this small town
‘less I’m sent to Iraq by McCain & Cheney

No I cannot forget the depths that I come from
I know big city people are above me
Just another rube here in this small town
I know that my betters live in DC

Top 11 Upcoming Smears On Sarah Palin

11. She once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die

10. She refuses to use Susan B. Anthony dollars

9. She cut off Ted Kennedy and forced his car off the Chappaquiddick Bridge

8. She has a violently insane son chained up in her basement

7. She had an affair with her teenage gardener

6. She shot a guy in the face while bird hunting and then blackmailed Dick Cheney into taking the blame

5. She convinced Carl Pohlad that there was no need to shore up the Twins bullpen

4. She founded the Crab Orchard, West Virginia branch of the KKK

3. She piloted one of the planes that was crashed into the World Trade Center

2. She thinks there are only 50 states in the union

1. She has never read a single book in the Oprah book club

Top 11 Thoughts John Hinderaker Shared with the Code Pink Protestors

John Hinderaker was in the Excel arena last night to live blog John McCain's speech. As you would expect from a Pajamas Media credentialed journalist, he was right in the middle of the breaking news:

There were two Code Pink protesters who had to be dragged out. They pulled them up the aisle right next to where I'm sitting. I shared some thoughts with them.

According to sources, here are the Top 11 thoughts he might have shared with the Code Prink protestors:

11) I'm glad you're here. We've all been dying to know what you think about the war.

10) May I suggest you use the nightstick, officer?

9) I have some urine for you to toss right here (ZZZZIP).

8) You are lucky the Big Trunk isn't here, he would deliver to you a proper thrashing!

7) Need a good lawyer? Take my card, please!

6) Where do you get your armpit hair styled?

5) I hear Guantanamo is nice this time of year.

4) You ladies have the boorish manners of a Yalie.

3) With that attitude you're never going to find yourself a husband.

2) Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?

1) That same thing that Dick Cheney said to Patrick Leahy on the Senate floor.

Top 11 Reasons Sisyphus Isn't In This Picture

11. He was too busy organizing his community

10. Had already bought tickets to see the Missile Dick Chicks perform at the same time

9. Complete DVD box set of "The O.C." arrived this week

8. Busy trying to figure out how to hook up with Grace Kelly

7. He was busy consoling Andy

6. Waiting by the phone to take press inquiries about whether or not he is the father of Bristol Palin's child

5. Called back to work when a stop light went out in Beijing

4. Went to the City Pages Best Right Wing Blogger Alumni Party instead

3. Restraining order still in effect

2. Heard about great party hosted by Star Tribune columnist, mistakenly went to Nick Coleman's house

1. Participating in an on-line fantasy football draft that night


SISYPHUS CLARIFIES WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED:

Chad the Elder:
JB Doubtless is banned from Jasperwood, so we can invite someone else to the big Lileks party.

Atomizer:
We should invite out good buddy, Sisyphus. Mary Katharine Ham will be at the party and Sisyphus has been an admirer of hers going back to even before he knew how hot she was.

St. Paul:
No, no, it would be funnier to not invite him and then taunt him about it!

ALL:
Yes, that would be hilarious! Now let’s go push old ladies into puddles!