Top 11 Chapters Titles in Ted Kennedy’s Upcoming Autobiography

11. If I Drank Scotch, Here is How I Would Drink It

10. How Karl Rove Framed Me for Chappaquiddick

9. How to Score with Chicks: Have a Lot of Money and Power

8. I'll Give Up My Senate Seat When They Pry It From My Cold Dead Butt Cheeks

7. Mmmmmmmmmmm Pork

6. Why Prohibiting Windmills Near My Property Doesn't Disqualify Me As America's Top Environmentalist

5. Halliburton Spiked My No-Fat Frozen Yogurt with Fat

4. The Joy of Jowls

3. Hillary Needs A Vice President Who Has Unquestioned Liberal Cred And Is From A Prominent Democratic Family

2. It's Pronounced Chow-dah!

1. Why Advocating for Lower Taxes Is More Immoral than Committing Manslaughter

Top 11 Reasons Mrs. Hulk Hogan is Divorcing Mr. Hulk Hogan

11. She's been hired away to co-star in the new reality series, George The Animal Steele Knows Best

10. Refuses to get off his lazy ass and run for Governor

9. Now more Bulk Hogan than Hulk Hogan

8. Wants to get out, while she still has some hearing left

7. Found out that Scott Baio is only 45 and still single

6. She's hoping to be disinvited from the next Brooke Hogan album release party

5. Found out he lied about running a resistance unit from a German POW camp during World War II

4. Shocked to discover that Hogan was bald after he finally took off bandana

3. One day you just wake up and realize that you don't want an orange husband after all

2. They have nothing to talk about since the writers went on strike

1. All part of an elaborate ruse to get viewers to watch Wrestlemania XXXVIII

Top 11 Possible Reasons Eric Black Really Wanted Rachel Paulose Fired

Former Star Tribune reporter, now blogger, Eric Black is still taking his bows over leading the high tech lynch mob that ran Rachel Paulose out of town. Despite the glory he's reveling in, amid the innuendo and petty office politics he was peddling, any factual basis for why she had to be fired immediately is still not clear. Which leaves the job to us to speculate on the Top 11 Possible Reasons Eric Black Really Wanted Rachel Paulose Fired.

11) He has it on good authority that she is a mean boss.

10) She has some wacko puritanical obsession with ending sex slavery.

9) She claims to be "Indian", and like the North Dakota Fighting Sioux, that's racist.

8) She went to that third-rate law school, Yale.

7) She has the gall to believe in a higher power, above the will of liberal newspaper reporters.

6) The name Rachel reminds him of Jennifer Anniston, which reminds him of Brad Pitt, which reminds him that he has no shot at Angelina Jolie.

5) His reading of the Constitution tells him that executive branch political appointees have no business supporting the priorities of the executive branch.

4) She's not as likely to leak information to him as those in the US Attorney's Office who hate her.

3) He never won a Pulitzer, but this kind of story could at least win the City Pages Best Blogger award.

2) He doesn't work for the Star Tribune anymore, but his heart still belongs to the DFL.

1) He doesn't have Alan Fine to kick around anymore.

Turkeys are for Eating

Every thanksgiving it’s the same old story, the President “pardons” a perfectly good turkey. This bit may have been cute and amusing when Harry Truman first did it 60 years ago (doubtful) but by now it has been run into the ground worse than Jimmy Carter jokes on this blog.

To further illustrate my disapproval, I will fisk Ben Fuller’s Washington Post story describing the ceremony:

The turkey at the White House really draws a crowd. When President Bush stepped into the Rose Garden on Tuesday, he found visitors in every coveted seat, reporters standing three rows deep and staff members craning for just one good glimpse.

Liberal bias!!! Ben Fuller is trying to make it sound like the turkey everyone came to see is President Bush! He must be positioning himself for a job at one of those Soros funded online newspapers.

Bush granted his yearly pardon to the national Thanksgiving turkey, named “May,” and a backup turkey who went unseen, who goes by “Flower.”

Why a back up turkey? Are they afraid the first turkey will commit suicide before it can be spared?

The names were chosen in an online poll that drew more than 28,000 votes. It was close; people also liked “Wish and Bone,” and “Wing and Prayer.”

Don’t blame me, I voted for “Lame and Ass”.

"They're certainly better than the names the vice president suggested, which was `lunch' and `dinner,'" Bush said.

Oh great, now even Bush is doing Cheney jokes. Next I suppose he’ll do a press conference in a Hitler moustache.

Bush and the bird coexisted peacefully, although the turkey interrupted the president three times with gobbles, much to the delight of the audience.

He should have rescinded the pardon after the second gobble.

After the pardon, the president petted the bird gently and then encouraged some young children to gather around him and do the same.

This would have been the perfect time to say: “On second thought, turkeys are for eatin’. Let’s chow down, kids.”

The White House made clear that the national turkey and its alternate were raised under "normal feeding" conditions. The one exception is when the birds were given some extra interaction with people so that they would be ready for their big moment at the White House.
Interestingly enough, this is exactly how Jimmy Carter was prepared for his big moment at the White House.

"May they live the rest of their lives in blissful gobbling," Bush said.

Wow, you were a White House speech writer? What would you say is the most memorable line you ever wrote for the President?

The president and first lady Laura Bush, meanwhile, flew off to the presidential retreat in Camp David, Md., for the holiday week.

No word on their Thanksgiving menu, but I bet it includes turkey.

And finally, the photo and caption:

President Bush pardons May, the National Thanksgiving Turkey, in the Rose Garden of the White House in Washington, Tuesday, Nov. 20, 2007. Right, holding the bird, is Ryan Downes. (AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

A little googling reveals that Ryan Downes is the son-in-law of National Turkey Foundation Chairman, Ted Seger.

I imagine a conversation something like this:

DOWNES:
Uh, sir, I know that you’re Chairman of the National Turkey Foundation and I’m just the guy who married your daughter, but um, isn’t the NTF supposed to be promoting the EATING of turkeys, and not the PARDONING of turkeys?

SEGER:
Shut up and bring out the bird, meathead.

The Words of the Prohpet Were Written on the Studio Wall

I had some spare time this Thanksgiving and was screwing around on the internet (imagine that). Anyway, I was looking at Nostradamus and his prediction of the rise of Hitler. Note that he spelled the name of the villain in question as Hister. Apologists say we must excuse this misspelling, and that the prophecy was only off by a few letters. Here is the original in French:

Bêtes farouches de faim fleuves tranner;
Plus part du champ encore Hister sera,
En caige de fer le grand sera treisner,
Quand rien enfant de Germain observa. (II.24)

The Skeptic's Dictionary suggests that believers think the translation is as follows:

Beasts wild with hunger will cross the rivers,
The greater part of the battle will be against Hitler.
He will cause great men to be dragged in a cage of iron,
When the son of Germany obeys no law.

It's been a long time since I took high school French. However, my translation appears to be more relevant to today

A power hungry beast will make mankind cry a river,
The greater part of the battle will be against Hillary.
(S)he will cause great men to be dragged in a cage of iron,
The laws are not germane to her, she's doing it for the children.

Scary stuff. We may be living in end times.

Top 11 Questions Wolf Blitzer Can Ask Hillary Rodham Clinton to Suck Up to Her Even More in the Future

11. “Uh, um, remember that time, uh, remember that time you came up with that plan to, um, save the health care system? That was awesome!”

10. “Isn't it true that people who don't vote for you are, by definition, misogynists?”

9. “America doesn’t care about drivers licenses, what America wants to know is how you keep your skin so soft and wrinkle-free.”

8. “Wanna, I don’t know the modern way of saying it, but…do it?”

7. “How has dealing with the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy prepared you for dealing with Al Qaeda?”

6. “I simply must know where you got that lovely pants suit.”

5. “Would you be for or against Rudy Giuliani using kittens to beat young children to death?”

4. “Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?”

3. “Do Americans deserve to have you as President?”

2. “Would you be willing to give John Edwards the name of your hair stylist?”

1. “Mrs. Clinton, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?”

Top 11 Things Wolf Blitzer Can Say to Make Hillary Rodham Clinton Cry At the Debate

11. “What was lacking in you as a woman to force your husband to seek comfort with Monica Lewinski?”

10. “Could you explain one more time your position on drivers licenses for illegal aliens?”

9. “Speaking of drivers licenses, here’s a scale – let’s see whether you lied about your weight.”

8. “Have you ever heard of the Thigh Master?”

7. “Hey, anyone see the latest Iowa poll?”

6. “Al Gore will be joining the debate tonight after he makes a brief announcement.”

5. “What is it about your personality that makes half of America hate you?”

4. “What would you do if Barak Obabma snapped your bra?”

3. “The next question was submitted by Fox News.”

2. “Breaking news, Jimmy Carter has just endorsed Hillary Clinton for President.”

1. “Is that the same dress I saw Rosie wearing?”

Racist Democrats Strike Again

There is no doubt that the more racist of the two political parties in America is the Democratic Party. Case in point: The Jefferson-Jackson dinners given by various state Democratic Parties (Iowa, Nevada, Virginia, Georgia – and I didn’t look beyond the first Google page). Folks, they’re not talking about George Jefferson and Reggie Jackson. These dinners are named after two big Democratic Party heroes: the slave owning (and slave raping) Thomas Jefferson and the Native American genocider Andrew Jackson.

It is not like these are marginal events either; all of the major Democratic candidates for President spoke at the sold out Iowa Slave Raper-Native American Killer dinner. At least they didn’t hold the event in a building named after ex-Exalted Cyclops, Senator Robert Byrd (D-WV).

Has the left side of the blogosphere rushed to condemn these dinners? (I must admit I don’t know the answer as I rarely read them unless they are linked to by Learned Foot). I would suspect that at least The Daily Mole has condemned the dinner. They have after all compared the views of Andrew Jackson to those of the vile Anti-Strib:

Minneapolis regulatory affairs consultant Tracy Eberly published such a piece on his local blog Anti-Strib on October 11. Those are just a few salient quotes from it. If you want to read his further defense of genocide against Native Americans, you’ll have to visit his website yourself. Suffice to say it would make Andrew Jackson proud.

Perhaps someday the Democrats will come to terms with their past of fighting for slavery, native genocide, and the KKK instead of celebrating it.

But don’t count on it.

Link Worshipping Douchebags

Nothing pisses me off when some commenter brings up the asinine idea that the Anti-Strib (AS) is some sort of blogging victim of PC thought police run amok. They got the bloging part right but AS’s are far from victims.

We use the term “Thank God It‘s Friday” for the end of the week because that’s when the AS’s liked to post pictures of semi-nude women. Their societies didn’t value hygeine, as they were constantly struggling find chicks that would speak to them. As culture was one of grinding celibacy at a level this is unimaginable today.

One of the main reasons that the rest of the MOB was willing to let AS twist for their sins is that their blog is so poorly written. Today we would call them douchebags. There is nothing noble about publishing 13 posts in a day without any deep thinking.

The life of a blogger was no nobler, nor much different from that of a bum, a hobo or a Packer fan. Their life cycles were identical: bitch, moan, boast, sleep, drink, die. I’d compare them to the entire animal kingdom, but that would be an insult to beavers. A honey bee could be said to have a more complex, evolved society than AS.

There was also cultural poverty, or maybe more accurately a lack of writing skill. They were so primitive that they created no posts of any lasting value, nor did they contribute anything of note to the world. KAR, Fraters and Yucky Salad all had progressed much farther than the AS. (Although they didn’t progress far enough to garner more hits than Power Line.) They even occasionally got links from Captain Ed.

Bloggers as far back as 4 years ago were contributing and creating while the AS did absolutely nothing. They didn’t get any Instalanches, they wrote no lasting plays or books, they didn’t come up with a decent joke nor did they figure out how to make change for a twenty at their convenience store day-jobs. And judging from their blog, they had no written language.

Some whine that we tried to censor the AS‘s, but what choice did we have? Their acts of idiocy against the readers assured that they could no longer be allowed links other people’s blogs. Their poverty-based societies filled AS’s with a deep desire to post brain farts at will. One decent alternative to integration was extermination of all links. Michael Brodkorb reached this conclusion and rode this issue to an extra 40 hits yesterday. He was veteran of the many feuds with AS and had no illusions about Tracy Eberly.

So skip the indignation crap. Anti-Strib bloggers are ignorant douchebags permanently stuck in the Stone Age. Even God Damned Berg contributed more and managed to create a better blog than the humanoid animals at Anti-Strib that once roamed MOB blogrolls.

Gatekeepers Needed: Obituary Style

Liberal icon Norman Mailer died this morning.

I always enjoyed "All In The Family."

SWAMP FLASHBACK

There were no parades or cheering crowds for Jimmy when he returned home. A nation that once celebrated its ex-Presidents now spat on them and denounced them as inflation mongers and job killers. No matter how many homes he built, no matter how much he trashed America and cozied up to dictators, he could not make the demons go away. One demon in particular he held particularly responsible for his problems. One demon still haunted him more than a decade later: the swamp rabbit that attacked him that fateful day, April 20, 1979: Killer Swampee. Jimmy knew that one day they would meet again.

May 13, 1990, was a day like any other day for Jimmy. That is, until he stepped out his backdoor and found himself transported back to hell. Killer Swampee had found him. But this time Jimmy was ready. He lifted his shotgun and took dead aim. “Wait!” he thought, “did Killer Swampee really deserve to be filled with birdshot? He was after all, the product of an unjust society.” “My God”, thought Jimmy, “Am I turning into Dick Cheney? I think I’ll just sting him and scare him away.” BLAMMM! BLAMMM! BLAMMM!

Rosalyn raced to him, “Jimmy! Jimmy! What are you doing!?!”

“Is he dead? Did I kill that wascally killer swamp wabbit? I only meant to sting him.”

“Killer swamp rabbit? What are you talking about Jimmy? You just blew away your sisiter-in-law's cat.”

“What? Really? I guess I better make up a story and write her an apology.”

Root Cause Analysis

The YouTube killer: eight die in schoolroom shooting massacre:

The 89 videos in Auvinen's YouTube account will provide an insight into his state of mind amid fears that his murderous nihilism was nurtured by material he found on the internet.

Nihilism? Internet? It's been more than forty-eight since the shooting in Finland and still the Nihilist in Golf Pants has not condemned this incident. Curious...

Something Big is Going to Happen

Learned Foot has been planning something big for weeks now (or so he says) and it sounds like he may be ready to reveal it as soon as today. We don’t know what it is, but with all this hype, it has got to be something awesome. Check KAR early and often.

Top 11 Reasons Stillwater Voters Should Approve their School Levy

Today is Election Day and we here at NIGP are making one and only one endorsement:
YES! on all three Stillwater school levies. If you live in Stillwater, run, don’t walk, to the polls. Here are the top 11 reasons we support the Stillwater school levies:

11. Enabling more teachers to pay off their cabins up north will make them more relaxed in the classroom and better educators

10. Wealthy Stillwater homeowners have been getting a free ride for too long now

9. It will be fun listening to Brian “St. Paul” Ward complain about the levy passing on the NARN show

8. Levy will help educate the banjo playing youths that live their

7. I don’t live in Stillwater

6. Voting “yes” on all three questions would raise property taxes on a $300,000 home a mere 2.8 cents per hour

5. Can finally expand the elementary school Somali GLBT Studies department

4. The Yes to Kids! campaign wants to move on to their next initiative: fewer vegetables, more cake at dinner

3. Great way for local government to grab the money that environmentalists won't let them spend on their bridges

2. It’s for the children

1. Failure to raise the levy likely to result in a brain drain to Somerset

UPDATE: Only one of the three Stillwater levies passed (but it was the big one). Maybe the Stillwater schools won't be burning, but they will be smoldering a little and we will be here to say, "I told you so." Stillwater will soon be a cold Red Wing.

Top 11 Pledges Hillary Made to Walter Mondale to Get His Endorsement

Hillary Clinton all but locked up the 2008 Democratic Presidential Nomination today when she received the endorsement of Walter Mondale. However, the endorsement didn’t come cheaply. Here are the top 11 pledges Hillary had to make to get Mondale's endorsement:

11. Agreed to nominate him for a Nobel Peace Prize

10. Will declare that Reagan stole the 1984 election and that she considers him the real 41st President

9. Promised to appoint him ambassador to a “more happening” country than Japan this time

8. Will not use "Where's the Beef?" as her campaign slogan

7. A 50% discount on all presidential pardons of his children's DWIs

6. Promised to name one building after him for every two named after Wellstone

5. He'll be included on all her future cattle trading tips

4. Will promise to raise taxes

3. Said she would do her best to keep Bill away from his daughter Eleanor

2. Promised to never threaten his record of losing a state-wide election in all 50 states

1. If there's a Mount Rushmore carved of Vice Presidents heads during her tenure, he will be on it

Top 11 Songs to be Played at the Powerline Concert

11) Money

10) Sitting on the Top of the World

9) Gimme (Tax) Shelter

8) Stairway to Eagan

7) Sue, Sue, Sudio

6) Deacon Blues

5) Champagne and Reefer

4) Hind-Rockit'

3) Lawyers in Love

2) Big Trunk of Funk

1) Hail, Hail Dartmouth