Top 11 Plans For George Steinbrenner's Funeral This Saturday As Stipulated In His Will

11. Tickets to Yankees owners box for that day's game to be scalped outside church

10. Assistant to the Traveling Secretary to give eulogy

9. Calzones will be served in the church basement following the service

8. Jason Alexander will do donuts in the church parking lot with the casket tied to his bumper

7. He is to be buried wearing Lou Gehrig's pants

6. Remove Billy Martin's body and be buried in his gravesite, and his subsequent gravesites, up to five times.

5. All attendees required to refer to themselves in the third person

4. A Minneapolis sportswriter will note that Steinbrenner did a lot of good deeds that no one ever knew about

3. Presiding minister will be fired and replaced halfway through the service

2. Steinbrenner's ego to have its own coffin

1. Pallbearers to paid millions to be lured away from other high profile funerals that day

Top 11 Al Gore Excuses for His Behavior with the Portland Masseuse

11) Second chakra clogged due to global warming

10) It's an inconvenient truth, Portland makes him really horny

9) Everything he did was appropriate according to his Clinton White House HR manual

8) Who can possibly control themselves around a 50 year old woman?

7) He was told by the Nobel Committee that the Peace Prize entitles him to free hand jobs anywhere, anytime

6) That's the last time he takes advice on how to order room service from Tiger Woods

5) Big misunderstanding over his shouting: "I want to see Bush exposed now!"

4) Foolishly ignored Tipper's warnings on the perils of listening to satanic rock and roll lyrics

3) Based on the treatment he gets from media, he assumed everybody wants to jack him off

2) This plan uses way less carbon than firing up the Internet to look for porn

1) Hey, at least he didn't ask for a Lewinsky