Top 11 Things Senate Democrats Got The American People For Christmas Besides Government Run Health Care

11. A bowling ball with Harry Reid's name inscribed on it

10. Government issued fruitcake

9. Spoken word CD of the Communist Manifesto as read by Bernie Saunders

8. A can of Simoniz

7. A personalized insult from Chuck Schumer

6. A label maker

5. Brand new statues of Robert Byrd for every yard

4. Gift certificate for free federally funded abortion

3. Al Franken Senate chair whoopee cushion

2. Constitution toilet paper

1. Gift certificate for one free colonoscopy at your nearest government health clinic

Top 11 Reasons That Tiger Woods Was Stepping Out On Elin Nordegren With Rachel Uchitel (among others)

11. Liked the way that Rachel referred to it as "taking out your long iron"

10. Working out with Rachel helped him knock a couple of strokes off his game

9. Rachel laid down for him even easier than Phil Mickelson

8. Elin will no longer polish his club

7. Elin took too many unplayable lies

6. Rachel was eager to work on gripping his putter

5. Elin's rough was too thick for him

4. Rachel promised him a Grand Slam

3. Liked the way that Rachel would scream, "Get in the hole!"

2. Elin had stopped screaming out, "You Da Man!"

1. Tiger doesn't like to play the same hole over and over again