Top 11 Reasons King Banaian Is Running For The Minnesota House

11. Outraged at the lack of Armenian-American representation in the Minnesota legislature

10. Outraged at the lack of hairy-backed swamp developer representation in the Minnesota legislature

9. Per diem can be used to enhance cigar budget

8. Misses Michael Brodkorb and hopes this is a way to get him to return his phone calls

7. After teaching economics for years, debating arcane budget matters late into the night actually sounds like fun

6. Trying to find an even more thankless job than being a Salem talk radio host

5. Wants to use Legislature as a stepping stone to his dream job: Soil and Water Conservation Supervisor

4. King thinks he can capture the seat because the people will see him as a white knight for the taxpayer who will refuse to be a pawn for special interests, even as a legislative rook. Check mate.

3. Wants to pass a law mandating that the SCSU hockey team win a NCAA playoff game

2. Now that tickle fights with male staff members are socially acceptable, nothing holding him back

1. Wanted new challenges and figured that teaching economics to the Legislature was as challenging as it got

Top 11 Reasons That The United States Lost To Canada In The Olympic Hockey Gold Medal Game Yesterday

11. US couldn't get the puck oot of their zone when it counted

10. US players wanted to give Nihilist In Golf pants an opportunity to whore for another link from Mark Steyn

9. America's disappointing showing in Curling sapped their self-confidence

8. US players distressed by the prospect of splitting a cab to the airport with Patrick Kane

7. In retrospect, pre-game pep talk on the importance of teamwork from Lindsey Vonn & Julie Mancuso probably not a good idea

6. US players distracted by rumors of giant inflatable beavers at the closing ceremonies

5. US players distracted by rumor that NBC had sold sponsorship for the victory call: "Do you believe in Miracle Whip?"

4. Lack of universal single payer health care system made US players worry about injuries suffered when celebrating victory

3. US players were awestruck at the prospect of sharing a plane ride home to the USA with all of the so-called "Canadian" celebrities appearing at the closing ceremonies

2. Canadian women's hockey team promised to throw them a party if they let the Canadian men's team win

1. Who cares? The American national sport is four man bobsled.