Top 11 REAL Reasons Garrison Keillor is retiring in 2013

11) Only has two years left before he completely exhausts the material he's been cribbing from the Big Book of Lutheran Humor

10) Actuarial tables indicate his entire fan base will have died by then

9) As a devout Mayan, he believes world will end in 2012 anyway

8) Made a strict vow to retire at the point where he's telling the same joke for the 10,000th time

7) Wants to spend more time with Angel T!ts

6) Doesn't want to perform after public funding is eliminated, because the image of his political opponents being forced to pay for his attacks against them is the only thing capable of giving him an erection

5) Expecting to be tossed into a concentration camp after Michelle Bachman is elected President

4) Wanted to retire immediately, but his designated replacement, Charlie Sheen, will be too busy bangin' hos for the next few years

3) Getting career advice from Brett Favre, will next announce he's not retiring, then will email pictures of his genitalia to massage therapist

2) NPR getting pressure to force him out from hairy backed swamp developer lobby

1) Plans to retire after huge settlement from suing blogs that steal his material for their names