Not Quite the Right Fit

It has been reported that this blog was very close to landing the services of reassigned Star Tribune columnist James Lileks. Those reports were accurate; we very, very nearly had a done deal. Here is the transcript of Lileks’ job interview with the Nihilist in Golf Pants:

NIGP: Thanks for coming in James, may I call you James?

LILEKS: Yes, by all means, Mr. Nihilist in Golf Pants.

NIGP: You can just call me the Nihilist. So, I understand that you have been working at the Star Tribune for the past decade and would now like to explore opportunities in the new media?

LILEKS: Yes, Nihilist, that is correct.

NIGP: What made you interested in applying here at Nihilist in Golf Pants?

LILEKS: Well, your top 11 lists are legendary, but then there are also the live blogs, the fake interviews, the gambling tips, and the college hockey coverage. Plus, there’s the fact that you won City Pages Right Wing Blog of the Year, back when that award meant something. I’m sick of working somewhere that never wins awards. But most of all, I would love the opportunity to work with JB.

NIGP: Fair enough. You are known for your sense of design. Would you make any changes to the design of this blog?

LILEKS: Perish the thought! I wouldn’t change a thing! The minimalist title bar: NIHILIST IN GOLF PANTS. That says it all. The classic right column with the City Pages award logo, the vanity quotes and the blog roll. It is as familiar and comforting as a can of Campbell’s Soup. And then there is the 1940s noir evoking background. Could the background be anymore black? The answer is no, the background could not be anymore black.

NIGP: Astute, very astute. But I must admit that I am bothered by your history with the Star Tribune. How do I know you’re not an agent provocateur sent here to undermine this blog?

LILEKS: I would like to point out that while I took pride in working for the Star Tribune as a whole, I rarely found myself in agreement with the stands take by the editorial voice of …

NIGP: [shouting] DID YOU VOTE FOR PATTY WETTERLING? DON’T THINK, ANSWER QUICK! ANSWER QUICK!

LILEKS: [tstartled] Why, why, no. I don’t even live in that district.

NIGP: [eying him suspiciously] Okay, I’ll take your word for it – for now. Tell me your thoughts on Paris Hilton.

LILEKS: Well, there is no arguing with the location, with the Eiffel tower practically in your backyard. But I must say that I prefer the architecture of the Hotel De Ville with it’s view of Ile de la Cite …

NIGP: No, no, I mean the celebrity Paris Hilton.

LILEKS: Who would name their kid after a hotel? I don’t know anything about this person.

NIGP: Hmmmmm … Well, I guess Sisyphus can get you up to speed. You can attend his lecture on her case next week at the Humphrey Institute.

That reminds me, would you object to language in your contract barring you from contributing your best material to the Kool-Aid Report?

LILEKS: I refuse to read moronic letters to the editor, and I don’t do poop, so no objection.

NIGP: Excellent. A few more quick questions: Everton or Arsenal?

LILEKS: Arsenal, of course.

NIGP: Notre Dame or Marquette?

LILEKS: The Golden Domers, not the Golden Rainbow Warriors, or whatever they are calling themselves nowadays.

NIGP: [nodding] Very good, very good. There is the matter of salary. It says here that you are looking for $94,000 per year. Is that correct?

LILEKS: Yes, indeed. I have a family to raise.

NIGP: That is a little more than I’d like to pay, but what the hell, it’s only money! Welcome aboard James!

LILEKS: It is indeed an honor, Nihilist. I can’t wait to get going on my first five or six posts for tomorrow!

NIGP: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there James. Did you say you intended to post five or six time per day?

LILEKS: Of course, some days maybe even more.

NIGP: We have a strict rule here – one post a day, if that. Posting more just dilutes the brand. I’m afraid that’s a deal breaker for us.

LILEKS: I couldn’t possibly write that little. Damn, I guess I’ll have to take the job at that lame Star Tribune website.