Paris Hilton’s Top 11 Complaints About Jail

11. No one to videotape sleazy sexual encounters

10. “All my neighbors are, like, poor”

9. It’s impossible to make a shiv out of a mattress spring without breaking a nail

8. Inmates required to wear underwear

7. “The rats are bigger than my dog”

6. “None of the guards are datable”

5. “The chef is not as good as my personal chef, Anatole”

4. “Orange is, like so not my color”

3. “Big Bertha hates me for like no reason”

2. Appletinis taste terrible when the gin is made in a toilet

1. “That semi-cute guy I made out with turned out to be a chick”