Top 11 Reasons James Lileks Wasn't Invited to JB Doubtless' Bachelor Party

The entire roster of bachelor party attendees provided this insight:

11. Unlikely he would have been able to find anyone to watch Gnat for the weekend
10. No one weighing less than Atomizer allowed
9. His cries of "Coasters, people, coasters!" quickly gets annoying
8. Sunday was "Three column day"
7. Lunchables not available in Northern Wisconsin
6. Only willing to wear a lampshade if it's a vintage 1912 Dahlia Panel 8 Model
5. Group wasn't in a mood to hear a lecture on the 1970's architecture and furnishing of our hotel
4. He insisted on packing homemade sandwiches as a snack for the entire group
3. The hotel already provided a maid
2. He preferred antiquing to strip clubs
1. Strippers think he's creepy