Top 11 Ways the Deep Impact Probe Damages the Horoscope, Ruins History

11. Liberals accuse Bush of nominating a Supreme Court Justice who is outside the legal mainstream before he even names his nominee
10. Frank Thomas becomes a selfless teammate; White Sox win World Series
9. Lindsay Lohan puts on disgusting exhibitions with Garrisson Keiller in Downtown St. Paul
8. No one notices Minnesota government shut down
7. JB Doubtless and Atomizer post during same week
6. Britney & Kevin divorce
5. Jo engages in a civil war over at The Attic
4. Paris loses bid to host 2012 Summer Olympics
3. St. Paul sighted with a woman who is not a supermodel
2. The kids from "The Real World: Austin, Texas" reveal themselves to be hosebags, layabouts and losers
1. Star Tribune confuses Sisyphus with Nihilist in Golf Pants in a front page article