Top 11 New Plans to Create Jobs That President Obama Will Unveil Tonight

11. Threaten CEOs that if they don’t start hiring, James Hoffa will take them out

10. Scrap the Keystone XL pipeline and hire the unemployed to carry the oil in 5 gallon jugs

9. Expand his cabinet to add a million new secretaries

8. Allow companies to avoid paying taxes as most members of his cabinet have

7. Conduct a new census every 10 months instead of every 10 years

6. Have Eric Holder start prosecuting companies for not hiring

5. Stimulate the tourism industry by personally taking twice as many vacations

4. Have Vice President Biden embark on a national window breaking tour

3. Outlaw ATM machines as a "Bank Teller jobs program"

2. Expand Fast and Furious program to sell tanks and planes to Mexican drug lords

1. Expand definition for job growth to include jobs created, jobs saved, and jobs that would have been created if it wasn't for the Tea Party