Advice For A Post-Partisan Era, Volume I

Barack Obama promised a "post-partisan" era during the campaign. Yet less than two weeks in to his administration, things are looking partisan as ever. His economic stimulus plan didn't garner a single Republican vote in the House, and the promise for a post-partisan America look bleak.

I honestly believe President Obama intended to usher in a post-partisan era, and I still believe he has the ability to do so. Because I want to help, I am instituting a semi-regular list of suggestions of actions that could help bring the left and the right together. Here is my first suggestion:

Only Nixon Could Go To China
The saying above meant that only someone with a bona fide reputation for being anti-communist could heal some wounds with the worlds most populist communist country without being pilloried for being soft on communism.

Obama, as a black American, has the bona fides regarding race relations to heal some wounds with white America without losing the support of minorities. He could take action that would bring goodwill to all Americans: reinstate slavery on a very limited basis.

At first blush, the idea of reinstating slavery may seem a tad controversial. Bear with me. When I say reinstate it on a very limited basis, I really mean for one person: Whoopie Goldberg.

You may recall during the presidential campaign, when John McCain made one of his major blunders, appearing on "The View." Now most television hosts would treat a Presidential nominee seriously, but not the old bats on TVs worst talk show. They badgered and berated McCain to his face, with only the nearly brain-dead Elizabeth Hasselbeck "defending" him.

This disgraceful segment didn't end before Whoopie Goldberg (she's as talented as she is attractive) suggested that in a McCain administration, slavery might be reinstated. McCain handled this comment poorly. Instead of calling Whoopie out and suggesting that her insulting attack was disingenuous and uncalled for, he actually said that she raised, "a good point." His rhetorical failure on that day and others explains why Barack Obama won in a landslide.

Anyone who is the least bit intellectually honest understands that Whoopie is a loud mouthed moron. And that's where the new President can build some goodwill. It would be the ultimate irony if the man Whoopie supported ended up being the person to enslave her.

Of course, there is one hurdle to this plan: the US Constitution, specifically its 13th amendment, which expressly prohibits slavery. However, thanks to activist liberal judges, I think we have a way around this. President Obama could simply sign an executive order revoking Whoopie Goldberg's birth certificate. Revoking her birth certificate would mean she no longer would have the protection of the US Constitution. Of course, a better alternative at this point might be to abort her, but that's a decision for her mother.