Sunday, May 25, 2008

Live Blog: Shark Swarm

Hi everybody! Welcome back to Nihilist and Golf Pants! Things have been pretty quiet around here lately. We’re all pretty bitter about being snubbed of our stimulus checks because we are “rich”. Okay, fine, we rich people won’t stimulate the economy, and you know what? We’re not gonna be blogging as much either. Ha! Didn’t count on that unintended consequence when you decided to discriminate against the rich; did you?

I know the check would have only amounted to about two minutes of fuel for my BBJ, but it is the principle of it. Anyway, I need something to get my mind off the bitterness, so I thought I’d take in a movie. The good folks at Fraters Libertas have been talking about the movie Shark Swarm premiering at 7PM tonight on the Hallmark Channel. It sounds like they have an intriguing hero in the seaside business developer Hamilton Lux played by Armande Assante:

7:00 PM: Ooooh lecture from some professor telling us we must learn from our past mistakes. I bet that hypocrite votes for Barrack “Jimmy Carter II” Obama.

7:01 PM: They’re dumping barrels of sludge into the water.

7:04 PM: There’s Bo Duke! He hasn’t aged a bit; he looks like he just crawled out the window of the General Lee.

7:05 PM: Bo is about to go out on his fishing boat, but he hasn’t been having much luck lately, it seems.

7:07 PM: Bad blood between Bo and the guy who dumped the sludge.

7:08 PM: There he is, Hamilton Lux. He has the sheriff in his pocket, excellent!

7:09 PM: Darryl Hannah. First disappointment: She has legs. I was hoping she’d play her role as a mermaid again.

7:10 PM: Hamilton Lux dropped off a contract to buy him out. I’m sure it is more than fair. It will save everyone a lot of trouble if you and Darryl would just take it. Come on, you can fish anywhere. This is prime resort area. Think of the jobs.

7:14 PM: The first shark hit! And commercial.

7:22 PM: Kids are swimming. Look out! GET OUT OF THE WATER! Mom on cell phone ignores her kid trying to tell her that someone is being eaten by sharks. We must ban cell phones on the beach! People are being eaten by sharks here people!

7:24 PM: First tragic moment: The sludge dumpers are out of beer.

7:25 PM: False alarm, they have a bottle of Irish whiskey! They toast the absent fishes. I’ll drink to that! It’s great to have a job that is both rewarding and allows you to drink.

7:26 PM: Is the sludge dumper with the whiskey Tom Hanks? It seems unlikely, but maybe he wanted to be eaten by sharks in a movie.

7:27 PM: Oops, Hanks has fallen in. He won’t last long with them there sharks.

7:30 PM: Finally more Hamilton Lux. He berates an incompetent subordinate who hasn’t yet found Bo Duke’s price to sell out. Now a somewhat attractive brunette arrives from the EPA. She immediately insults Lux: “you’re the only one here who isn’t actually working?” That bitch! Ham’s hard work pays your salary!

7:35 PM: Bo’s brother (who doesn’t look like Luke Duke, maybe he’s one of the Duke cousins from the season Bo and Luke had the contract dispute) says to the professor that the students treat him like a celeb. Well, he is, he’s F. Murray Abrahms.

7:36 PM: Now back to EPA bitch and Lux. Lux tells her that everything is aboveboard, but she wants to determine that for herself. Lux’s word should be good enough for you. She’s so annoying, I’m almost rooting against Lux bedding her.

7:39 PM: Lux makes his move! They will meet at her motel room. And see he cares. He told her to wear her seatbelt. Maybe they have a Sam/Diane thing going on.

7:44 PM: Shark attack three.

7:42 PM: Bo’s daughter is playing hard to get with the surfer dude. Crude “are you going to show her your longboard” joke.

7:43 PM: Oh yes, Lux has the EPA babe right where he wants her.

7:47 PM: EPA lady at the bar. Bo’s brother is hitting on her. Hands off! She’s with Ham Lux.

7:49 PM: Bo’s Mom is flirting with the pastor? What would Uncle Jesse say?

7:50 PM: Bo is missing on the water. I smell shark attack four.

7:51 PM: Cut to Bo. He shoots off a flare and is found. They were just teasing us. (ASIDE: Do flare guns violate Bo Duke’s probation, or are they okay, like bow and arrows with dynamite?)

7:51 PM: Lux’s second-in-command may be incompetent, but he gives sound advice: Sell to Lux. Bo not only ignores him, but fails to thank him for saving his ass. Booooo Bo boooo.

7:52 PM: EPA babe gets a glassful of water from the ocean. Hey, Lux already told you it was okay.

7:53 PM: Darryl says to Bo: “I can’t wait to see you put Lux in his place.” Dream on, Darryl, dream on.

7:54 PM: Bo tries to win over a town council member by insulting him. Nice strategy. Are you going for a spot on the Obama campaign?

7:55 PM: Shark footage. They’re changing. They’re even biting at each other. I have a technical question for F. Murray Abrahms: Why does the sludge kill the fish, but not the sharks?

7:55 PM: At the town meeting. Lux drops the name of the governor of California. Praises neighbors and asks to be their neighbor.

7:56 PM: Bo interrupts and takes the floor. He asks whether anyone has looked at the plans. No one has looked at the plans?

7:57 PM: Lux tries to calm him but Bo says: “You look like you’re accustomed to speaking for everyone in the room.” Uh, Bo isn’t that exactly what you’re trying to do. Hypocrite. Some of your neighbors may prefer being rich to being struggling fishermen.

7:59 PM: Hamilton Lux is fighting for change! Come on, Bo and Darryl, have the audacity to hope for a better life!

7:59 PM: Bo says everyone but he and Luke signed the contract Lux sent them without reading it. How does Bo know they didn’t read it? Does he think he is the only literate person in the town?

7:59 PM: Bo: “Did you see what he did to me, he turned me into the bad guy in front of the entire town.” Hey Bo, you ARE the bad guy. Darryl and Luke both tell him not to be so childish.

8:00 PM: The first hour flew by, only two more to go. So far I only have one problem with Lux. Personally, I would have gone the eminent domain route. Just get the town to comdemn Bo’s land and take it over. The Kelo decision is the greatest thing ever. You could probably even get the state legislature to subsidize some of the development. Don’t get me wrong, I’m no fish-hugger, but eminent domain is cheaper, easier, and doesn’t leave you with a polluted seaside development. (in Lux’s defense, maybe the movie is set pre-Kelo).

8:01 PM: This may be why the liberals on the Supreme Court voted in favor of easy eminent domain in Kelo: It is good for the environment because developers now have a way to get land that doesn’t involve poisoning fish.

8:05 PM: EPA babe is once again snooping where she doesn’t belong. That Bush administration is out of control!

8:06 PM: The teasing is over! The girl that Bo and Darryl’s daughter told to kayak out in the deeper water is eaten by the sharks. If you ask me, she is more to blame than Lux.

8:07 PM: Lux is beginning to suspect that the EPA babe may not play ball.

8:09 PM: Bo meets F. Murray Abrahms. I think I understand the casting now: F. Murray Abrahms reprising his role as Salieri to Hamilton Lux’s Mozart.

8:12 PM: TIP: Never put your hand into a dead shark’s mouth unless you are absolutely sure the shark is dead.

8:15 PM: Luke is trying to pick up the EPA babe by inviting her to watch him autopsy one of the dead sharks. If this works I may add it to my arsenal.

8:16 PM: Darryl shows up for the meeting with Lux. Will she be swayed by his lucrative charm? Oooooh. He’s showing her the condo model. She will be putty in his hands.

8:17 PM: Holy Cow! Not only does Darryl turn down a generous offer, but she trashes the cool model of the development! That is out of line! Lux has been more than reasonable with these two loose cannons. Time to up the ante! Here is my suggestion: Call the Revenuers and tell them that Bo Duke is running ‘shine in his boat. He probably really is.

8:19 PM: Sharks are attacking divers!

8:24 PM: It worked, Luke picked up the EPA babe with the offer of a shark autopsy. She is obviously nuts.

8:26 PM: More proof that Bo is an idiot: He hasn’t forbidden his daughter from seeing the lazy, jobless surfer bum.

8:27 PM: Luke says he is turned on by shark blood.

8:29 PM: I’m no marine biologist, but everything EPA babe and Luke said about shark brains and burnt circuit boards was B.S.

8:32 PM: A fisherman is attacked by a shark caught in the net!

8:39 PM: Darryl and Bo’s daughter wants to go to school in New York to get away from her parents. Can’t say that I blame her.

8:40 PM: A government agent (EPA babe) breaks into a private location where she obviously has no legal authority to be (otherwise she wouldn’t need to break in). Call the ACLU! George Bush’s EPA is trampling all over Hamilton Lux’s civil rights!

8:41 PM: EPA babe falls in while trying to get another of her illegal water samples and the sharks are after her! Fortunately for her, Luke was stalking her and pulled her out. Now Luke is going to get some for sure. Luke: “I don’t know whether that was brave or stupid”. How about illegal.

8:43 PM: EPA babe tells Luke that she will use the full power of the government to harass Lux. Typical fascist. To think that just over an hour ago I was rooting for her to get together with Lux.

8:44 PM: You know what would be cool? If it turned out that the EPA babe was actually Lux’s agent sent to infiltrate the Duke clan. That would be awesome.

8:46 PM: Professor Salieri has studied the sharks and makes a prediction: multi-swarm.

8:53 PM: You can see sharks from satellites? How did sludge dumped in one bay re-wire sharks to swarm all over the pacific in just one year?

8:54 PM: The swarm is growing!

8:57 PM: Bo is honking his boat horn and warning people to get out of the water. Isn’t that a job for the police and coast guard.

8:58 PM: Bo almost falls in – now he falls in and here comes a multi-swarm. The secret Navy anti-shark gun saves Bo’s ass.

8:59 PM: Yes! The classic sheriff denying that a shark attack occurred!

8:59 PM: Lux to EPA babe: “Does your job with the EPA require you to sleep with everyone here in town? Or is that limited to just the Dukes?” I was wondering the same thing.

9:04 PM: EPA babe announces that Lux had her pulled off the job. “I underestimated him”. Yes you did.

9:09 PM: Bo calls his wife to tell her to call the sheriff. Why doesn’t Bo just call the sheriff directly?

9:10 PM: Fortunately the sheriff did his job and informed Lux’s people that they have a trespasser.

9:11 PM: Lux’s incompetent underling kidnaps Darryl and threatens to rape the daughter. I’m not sure that’s the best move, Lux.

9:19 PM: What this show needs is narration by Waylon Jennings.

9:20 PM: Lux’s out of control underling shoots Bo’s assistant (I’ve come to think of him as Cooter). I’m sure Lux has no knowledge of these actions.

9.23 PM: A James Bond villain style torture – Bo and Darryl are put in a shark cage and lowered into the sharks. While I don’t condone such action, I must admit it is kind of a cool idea.

9:24 PM: Oh come on. You have to secure the gate to the shark cage. Just a simple padlock would have been sufficient. Bo was able to just kick it open.

9:24 PM: Darryl still has her undersea swimming chops. But still, you call this a multi-swarm? Those sharks should have been able to eat them before they got back to the boat.

9:26 PM: Bo and Darryl feed the incompetent underling’s girlfriend and the rest of the crew to the sharks. This is what happens when you try to get too fancy when killing someone.

9:28 PM: The incompetent underling is now thrown in too and eventually eaten. Bo and Darryl escape. Lux is better off without these sorry minions.

9:36 PM: Professor Salieri explains that he is able to track the sharks because they’ve ingested so much phosphorus. What?

9:37 PM: Uh oh. I knew there had to be a reason Bo and Luke’s Mom was dating a pastor. The sharks are swarming to where he is about to baptize a bunch of people.

9:39 PM: “Hamilton Lux and his League of Investors” Sounds like a great idea for a super-hero comic book.

9:42 PM: Bo’s Mom is in the water for the baptism – here come the sharks – she screams. Will Darryl get there in time?

9:43 PM: Luke and the EPA lady are once again trying to disrupt Lux’s ceremony on the pier. Those two don’t seem to understand that they’ve lost and Lux has won.

9:44 PM: The daughter and the surfer dude are also getting attacked. Bo is there to rescue them.

9:45 PM: Darryl is there just in time to save the baptizees. More Darryl swimming underwater and using the secret Navy anti-shark gun to drive away the sharks. I hope the experience of making this movie impresses upon Darryl Hannah the importance of military weapons research.

9:51 PM: Now the sharks are attacking the pier. Lux has fallen in. I’m sure he’ll fight the sharks off in some clever manner.

9:51 PM: Luke and EPA babe jump into the water to drive away the sharks with the secret Navy anti-shark guns. EPA babe would make a good mermaid too.

9:52 PM: EPA babe shoots Luke with the secret Navy anti-shark gun! My theory is correct! She is an agent for Lux!

9:53 PM: Oops, maybe it was an accident after all – she revived him. The sharks are receding and Professor Salieri looks proud of himself, but why? The military industrial complex deserves the credit.

9:55 PM: The sharks are dispersing, Bo, Darryl, the daughter and the loser surfer, Luke, Bo and Luke’s Mom, the Pastor, and the EPA babe are all okay. I haven’t seen Lux. Where did he go?

9:55 PM: They didn’t show how Lux escaped the sharks. Lame.

9:56 PM: ONE YEAR LATER: Bo has put the lazy surfer dude boyfriend to work on the new boat (named after Cooter) the daughter is back from college. Still no word on Lux. EPA babe and Luke are dive instructors.

9:58 PM: EPA babe and Luke are diving and we hear ominous music. There is something down here. The movie isn’t over yet. Could it be Lux’s revenge?

9:58 PM: Psych! It was only manta rays.

9:59 PM: The End? So does that mean Lux didn’t get his development? Why not? Now that the Navy gun has cured all the sharks, there is no reason not to go forward with the development. And another thing, EPA babe and others seem to think that Hamilton Lux is a bad guy because he killed all of the fish – so that Bo Duke couldn’t kill them himself. Hypocrites.

This Live Blog is Over!

4 Comments:

Blogger Chad The Elder said...

What an ending. Scores of people have been killed and our "heroes" sit on the beach making double entendres and plans for getting some.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Steve said...

Great movie blog! I laughed out loud.

I'm glad someone has spoken up for greedy waterfront developers at last.

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Adam said...

Best movie I ever watched on Hallmark but also the first. It was also a bonding moment for me and the wife since I am not a movie guy for the most part - timing it on the off day of the Stanley Cup finals was genius programing. I hope I can count on the good folks at Fraters to keep me appraised of future triumphs in original programing at Hallmark. However, in a complicated scientific thriller such as this one, I could use a plot that better incoporates Republican stereotypes!

10:20 AM  
Anonymous site said...

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6:36 AM  

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