Top 11 Amendments I’d Add to the Patriot Act

11. All torture is strictly forbidden unless authorized by Jack Bauer of CTU.
10. Christina Aguilera concerts must be monitored by the UN Commission on Human Rights or Amnesty International.
9. Dick Durbin is forbidden from using metaphors (or similes).
8. Halliburton is given the power to levy taxes directly.
7. Hate speech protection is extended to the U.S. Armed Forces.
6. Howard Dean is required to take his medication.
5. Attractive, busty, female interrogators must rub their breasts on Sisyphus daily until he gives up the location of Osama Bin Laden.
4. The spelling of “Koran” is standardized to K-o-r-a-n.
3. Microsoft required to make it impossible for left leaning websites to use the words: “Nazi”, “Hitler”, “Chimp”, and “Gulag”.
2. Sean Penn is not allowed to travel to any country where “Fast Times at Ridgemont High” has not been released.
1. All Hooters restaurants will be converted into terrorist interrogation centers.