Sunday, June 12, 2005

Star Wars Episode 3: The Sisyphus Rewrite

Much has been made of George Lucas’ inability to write romantic dialog. As much as I like to defend the rich and powerful, even I can’t bring myself to defend Mr. Lucas against this charge. But I will take a more constructive approach than most of his critics. Regular readers know that romance is my middle name (or it would be if I had more than one name) so I offer my rewrite services for the special edition DVD. Not only will I improve the dialog, but I will also more effectively work in Mr. Lucas’ left wing political views (and do so with such subtlety that few will notice except on the sub-conscious level).

Remember this embarrassing scene?
You are so... beautiful.
PADME: It's only because I'm so in love.
ANAKIN: No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
PADME: Are you saying love has blinded you?
ANAKIN: [laughs] No, that's not what I meant.

Here is my re-write:
ANAKIN: Padme, you are so smoking hot.
PADME: Oh Ani, you know I would never smoke. I banned smoking on Naboo, so it would be hypocritical of me to smoke here.
ANAKIN: I’m sorry Padme, I know you would never smoke. I blame the dark side advertising of the evil sith tobacco lords. I’ve been exposed to their evil since I was a youngster on Tatooine.
PADME: I forgive you Ani, it’s not your fault that you are an insensitive straight white male.
ANAKIN: Hello, I love you so much that I’d join forces with the evil Republican emperor to save you. You are one non-smoking hot babe!
PADME: Oh Ani, you had me at hello!
ANAKIN: Oh Padme, you’ve had me since that scene in episode two where you were wearing the white jumpsuit strategically torn to expose your bare midriff.

Here I re-write the infamous scene near the end where Padme and Obi-Wan confront Anakin / Vader:

PADME: Oh Ani, have you been Rove-ing around the empire killing Jedis? I have been hearing terrible things. Have you really been hurting the Jedi children? Have you become a follower of the Republic emperor Palpatine?
ANAKIN / VADER: Where have you been hearing this garbage? Have you been watching that fabricated “documentary” Obi-Wan made from the security tapes at the Jedi Temple? They are all lies! Obi-Wan and the Jedis are trying to destroy me with lies!
PADME: Don’t do this Ani, you’re a good person; don’t follow Palpatine to the dark side.
ANAKIN / VADER: I’m doing this to protect you.
PADME: No Ani! That’s neo-sith talk!
ANAKIN / VADER: Obi-Wan has turned you against me!
OBI-WAN: The problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Turn your back on the Republican emperor and despotism, Anakin. A Jedi’s loyalty should be with the Democrats!
ANAKIN / VADER: Never! Don’t make me kick your rear-end.
OBI_WAN: You would make a preemptive strike against me?
ANAKIN / VADER: You’re either with me or you’re with the other side.
OBI-WAN: That’s bush-league neo-sith talk!
ANAKIN / VADER: Bring it on, Obi-Wan.
OBI-WAN: If I must, I will reluctantly strike you down, but it would be wrong for me to execute you.
PADME: What will happen to me?
ANAKIN / VADER: Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.

[Anakin / Vader and Obi-Wan fight]


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