Friday, June 17, 2005

Colorado Responds

Two Coloradans have responded to my top 11 reasons Minnesota is better than Colorado list. One responder was anonymous (but I suspect he was none other than Governor Bill Owens) the other was Mark Slater. I do admit that they are not completely without merit (the response that I attribute to Governor Owens refers to “someone as intelligent as the Sisyphus”). Here I combine the two responses and effortlessly rebut them:

11. Minnesotans apparently need more air. Once they come to Colorado their brains shut down. We here in Colorado have trained ourselves to be able to think clearly no matter what the altitude.

* We have all the O(2) we need. This is just one more excuse for upper mid-westerners to whine (and I have not encountered a whinier breed of people).

SISYPHUS: Well sue us, we like oxygen and we complain when we don’t get it.

10. Denver was originally named St. Charles, but joined another settlement to become Denver. Nevertheless, this change was approved by God, because, you know, He actually lives here.

* Denver was named after James W. Denver, governor of Kansas (also a nice place -- why the Ingalls chose to leave there for Minn. is difficult to imagine).

SISYPHUS: You should have kept the name St. Charles. The fact that your capitol city is named after the Governor of another state does not exactly strengthen your case. Why not change the name to “Ventura”?

9. Famous Minnesotans, see also: Joseph McCarthy, Walter Mondale, Jesse Ventura, The Artist formerly known as Prince and Louie Anderson. Care to apologize for anything there Minnesota?

* We have Buffalo Bill, you have Prince. We have The Unsinkable Molly Brown, you have Paul Tsongas.

SISYPHUS: I won’t mock you for initially attributing Paul Tsongas to us; he did seem like someone who could have come out of the Minnesota DFL party.

Yes, we have our share of embarrassments (thanks for not bringing up Paul Wellstone, Al Franken, Garrison Keillor, and Gus Hall). But look at the only Coloradans you can come up with to brag about: Buffalo Bill and the Unsinkable Molly Brown. Pathetic.

8. Colorado's State Animal, The Rocky Mountain Bighorn Sheep. Minnesota's State Animal, The Mosquito( Oops sorry, scratch that, they don't have one yet. They are still working on the definition of "animal" apparently.)

SISYPHUS: When your state soil is Lester, who needs a state animal?

7. Minnesota has a lower Gas tax to encourage people to drive. Colorado doesn't need one because we have things people actually want to drive to and see.

SISYPHUS: This is the first time Minnesota politicians have ever been accused of trying to encourage people to drive. If only it were so!

6. DU Pioneers, back-to-back National Champions, and looking for the three-peat.

SISYPHUS: I can’t deny that the DU Pioneers have had a nice run, but there will be no three-peat. The Kesssel era begins this fall!

5. Colorado's Highest Point: 14,433 feet. Minnesota's Highest point: 2,301 feet. Classic case of little man syndrome.

SISYPHUS: Hmmm. An entire state of people obsessed with living in and around tall objects. If I were a Freudian I would suggest that the entire state is trying to compensate for something.

4. I admit it may be hard to know where the lakes are in Colorado. You see, we don't surround them with houses, just mountains.

* Ever heard of Grand Lake? Its not the quantity of lakes, it's the quality.

SISYPHUS: No, I’ve never heard of Grand Lake.

3. What Shape is Minnesota again? it looks like a paint splatter.

SISYPHUS: You could never in a million years get paint to make such a cool splatter.

2. After Hugh's exploits on the snowmobile, we thought it best to leave it this way.

SISYPHUS: I said commissioner of hockey, not snowmobiling.

AND ANOTHER THING: Google knows which state is more important. If you Google our Governor, Tim Pawlenty, he is the first choice that comes up. If you Google your Governor, Bill Owens, he comes up only second, after some photographer. Hey Governor, is that the photographer you used for the nude picture of yourself on the Colorado quarter?

Put the Coloradans in their place, vote for the Minnesota quarter (at the time of this posting, only 23 votes separated the two).


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