Friday, May 13, 2005

Mint Julep Musings – Forget John Bolton

Sitting here sipping my julep my thoughts turned to John Bolton. Apparently, the liberals think he is too mean to be UN ambassador. Too mean? What is wrong with those idiots? What do they want, a nice UN ambassador like St. Kate? That’s when the light bulb went on over my head. St. Kate would actually be perfect for the job. The liberal senators certainly couldn’t complain that she was too mean without being laughed out of DC. Conservatives probably would complain that she’s too nice, but I would counter that while St. Kate is nice – she’s not TOO nice.

Not convinced? Read through her archives with the following substitutions:
Replace VP with Great Britain
Replace Senator with Canada
Replace Governor with France

To help you visualize Ambassador St. Kate, I’ve made these changes to one of her posts:
One Step Away From Bread And Water
Okay! The France is finally asleep, and so I have an hour to blog. The France technically stopped taking naps when he turned two, but since our on-going potty-training troubles, I’ve made the Corporate Outpost rule that Big Boys (those who use the toilet) do not have to take naps. Little Boys do.
Well, The France has dug in his heels and decided that he is still a Little Boy, even after proficiently demonstrating he is capable of meeting Big Boy requirements. And now he is sleeping rather than playing with his Super Soaker…his first choice.
Earlier today I [the United States] dragged him inside at intervals and insisted he at least wet in the toilet. He can do it; it’s just so much easier to let ‘er rip in the Pull-Ups, or Artificial Underwear, and let Mom [the United States] clean up later at a more convenient time.
Each trip to the toilet was a struggle. Hold still. Don’t touch that! Leave the toilet paper alone. Watch what you’re doing! Stand closer. Closer! Awww @!#$^%!
My next trip to Target I’m stocking up on the super absorbent diapers and life is going to get easier for the both of us. I told him when he’s ready to get back two hours of his life each afternoon, let me know. Meanwhile, I’m going to be expanding on this Big Boy/Little Boy concept. I don’t know why I didn’t do this earlier.
Sorry, France. Only Big Boys get to ride on the 4-wheeler with Great Britain.
Oops! I’m going to have to play the Big Boy card on this one, sweetie. No Justice League DVDs for Little Boys.
Oooh. Too bad, France. Didn’t you know hot fudge sundaes are for Big Boys? How about a Popsicle?
Sooner or later I’m going to hit on his Achilles’ heel and find something that will inspire him to join the Big Boy fraternity. Until then, his life is going to make solitary confinement at Leavenworth look appealing.

Bribery, coercion, shaming, and a touch of patience: St. Kate has clearly mastered the essential diplomatic skills. I know that because of our reputation for satire most will dismiss this, but I am serious. Forget John Bolton, the UN needs St. Kate.

UPDATE: How does St. Kate pay me back for recommending her for high government office? She threatens me with medieval torture devices. What ingratitude! I’m now more convinced than ever that St. Kate is a natural born diplomat.


Anonymous St. Kate said...

Those mint juleps must have been extra strong, sonny.

One day the full force of my evil nature will strike you to the core, and you'll be horrified that you dared taunt me in this fashion.

Be afraid. Now might be a good time to update that Living Will.

12:33 AM  

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