Britney & Kevin: Idiotic

While other bloggers were busy kissing the governor’s butt on Tuesday night, I had the distinct displeasure of viewing the premiere episode of Britney and Kevin: Chaotic on UPN 29.
Why? Because the bloggers on this blog are more interested in with speaking truth to power than in getting our tummy rubbed by T-Paw. And lucky for you, the reader. Because this show should come with a warning. IT IS AS BAD AS IT SOUNDS.

The show is mostly home made movies from the camcorder of Britney Spears, shot at the beginning of her relationship with dancer-turned-layabout husband Kevin Federline. These shots are supplemented by video of the concurrent concert tour, and studio interviews after the fact with Britney and Kevin.

The camcorder shots are unwatchable. Britney is holding the camera almost all the time and her video style is so herky-jerky that the viewer is bound to get motion sickness. Often she would turn the camera on herself, at the end of her arms, then spin it around to capture another subject, with lots of moving floor, ceiling and walls flying around in the process.

The content is what you would expect from a production of a 22 year old girl with no formal education: moronic. She spends a large segment of the show asking her employees to name their favorite sexual position on camera. Of course everyone is embarrassed and no one answers. I'm sure the subjects are all thrilled to see this on national television. One can hope a shyster lawyer might look these people up to cash in on a sex harassment suit. Hilarity ensues when one spunky underling grabs the camera, turns it on Britney and asks her to name her favorite sexual position. She giggles like an idiot before the show moves on to the next scene.

Then there's Kevin. Britney tapes her conversations with him, which mostly consist of him hitting on her while laying on his back the entire time. Then they cut to studio shots of Britney explaining that as this happened she was falling in love with him. It's hard to see why. He never stands up. His pathetic attempt at growing a beard makes J.B. Doubtless, aka J.B. Pubestache, look like Dan Haggerty.

I believe that Britney's handlers may have made a grave mistake in airing this show. Kevin comes off as a total slacker goof. Britney comes off as a moron. Plus, the one thing that she had going for her is that just about everyone thinks she is attractive. The home video helps dispel that myth by showing her makeup artist put a ton of makeup on her face to help with a complexion that is iffy at best. In fact, I drywalled my bathroom last month and probably used less joint compound than her makeup artist did in the filming of this first show. Finally, her singing shows off her voice as unquestionably mediocre.