Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Top 11 Ways Iran Plans to Inflict "Harm and Pain" on the United States

11) Add a few more syllables to President Ahmadinejad's last name

10) Air drop leaflets with pictures of women not wearing burkas to erode America's morals

9) Burn copies of beloved American anthem "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"

8) Mass produce Paris Hilton clones, making it all but impossible to be a pimp

7) Fund the production of the next Michael Moore documentary

6) Start rumors that "American Idol" Clay Aitken might be gay

5) Pay Captain Ed to start live blogging Friday prayers in Tehran

4) Assign secret agent Angelina Jolie to systematically break up America's favorite celebrity couples

3) Refer to Donald Rumsfeld as a "chicken" until he goes hunting with Dick Cheney

2) Convince shock jock Hugh Hewitt to take less than his customary 12 weeks of vacation per year

1) Re-abduct American hostages and hold them until Jimmy Carter gets put back in office


Blogger Chad The Elder said...

Flood American film festivals with more boring, pointless Iranian movies.

6:48 PM  
Blogger Chad The Elder said...

Have Garrison Keillor do a dramatic reading of Shahnameh on his PHC broadcast.

6:52 PM  
Blogger American Lung Association of Minnesota said...

Force them to read Mark Wernimont's endless rants against the smoking bans.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Socal Bill said...

12) Cindy Sheehan and William F. Buckley new hosts for American Idol.

10:30 PM  
Blogger Chad The Elder said...

Impose draconian smoking bans to drive small American bar owners out of business. Wait, that's already been done...

1:52 PM  
Blogger pinkmonkeybird said...

Give free cigarettes to the Mujahdeen to smoke in boring Iranian movies until Hugh Hewitt comes back from vacation and that new Hard Out Here song makes it to #4 in Tehran with a bullet and Brokeback Mountain comes out on dvd serving as a coaster at the Star Bar in Columbia Heights.
If this series of events does not bring America to it's Infidel knees, nothing will.

4:38 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Pipe in the complete bullshit from the American Lung Association over a background of a soothing "it's for your own good, you know it's true".

Reinforce by intermittently flashing nasty videos of "the lung" in a surplus store Army eyelids open as necessary.

3:51 PM  

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