Monday, November 21, 2005

JB Doubtless' Dream Shopping Spree

Before the mechanics strike and bankruptcy, Northwest Airlines was debatably one of the best airlines in the nation. However, since then their service has left something to be desired. This weekend I experienced their reduced level of survive en route to Kalamazoo, Michigan, in pursuit of a Nihilist scoop of a story on public education that will make Craig Westport look like a hobby columnist.

When I landed at 7:03 p.m. Friday, my bag was nowhere to be found. I was wearing wing-tip shoes and a business suit. Since I had a regimented itinerary that began at 8:00 a.m. the next morning and included at least four hours of beer drinking and pork eating in a muddy field, I was concerned. Not to worry, the helpful NW employee said, your bag will be on the flight arriving at 11:25 p.m. this evening.

After determining that Kalamazoo's own Bell's Brewing produces a fine brand of beer (particularly their Oberon Ale), I returned to the airport to find that my bag had not arrived. As I inquired about my options, I learned that the bag would not arrive until nearly 11:00 a.m. the next day. This presented a problem, as I was to be tailgating in a muddy field 70 miles away at that time. After a protracted negotiation session in which I explained my predicament, the supervisor agreed to provide me $50 to purchase a new wardrobe.

I am a believer in asking WWJD when I find myself in a difficult situation. Of course, I mean What Would JB Doubtless Do? Since getting into a pissing contest with Mitch Berg was out of the question, I headed to Wall*Mart.

Mind you, I had $50 and needed an entire wardrobe (except for the down jacket I wore in lieu of a sport coat). I started with the shoes. I first looked for boots, but found that they were too inflexible to wear for eight hours of walking around. Finally I found a pair of tennis shoes for under $17. Given that I had cheap shoes, I wanted the best socks I could find. There was a pair of "hiking socks" for a mere $6. However, at this point, with tax included I had spent about half of my allowance. Next came blue jeans. The Wall*Mart brand was under $12. I bought a pair. I still needed underwear and a shirt. My buddy Miller insisted that I buy a pair of boxers that sported the words, "Trust Me, I'm a Doctor," however I always thought of myself as a "High Roller," and bought a pair proclaiming that fact for $6. I needed only a shirt and had nearly $7 left before tax.

At this point, I really wanted a Dale, Jr. shirt for the kitsch factor. Unfortunately, those were prohibitively expensive at $11. I settled on a shirt for just under $6 that proclaimed "Sarcasm is one of the many services that I provide."

After checking out, I remember feeling a pang of guilt for raising my voice to the NW supervisor who suggested that $50 was enough to outfit myself for the following day. Wall*Mart is truly a wonderland.


Blogger Just Me said...

If you like Bell's, try their Batch 7000. It's hard to come by, but man is it tasty !! Expedition Stout is also great too.

8:00 AM  

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