Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Anyone But Katie

Jo’s Attic points us to a rumor that CBS News is considering Katie Couric for its anchor position. I agree with Jo that Couric would be a terrible choice. In an effort to help CBS broaden its search, I offer some better candidates:

Kofi Annan
PRO: He went to Macalester College in St. Paul.
CON: He would have to accept a reduction in pay and perks.

Ted Baxter
PRO: He’ll read whatever is put in front of him.
CON: He is a fictional character played by an actor who is now dead.

Art Bell
PRO: He would blow the lid off the government UFO cover-up.
CON: He would lose credibility by going to CBS News.

Kent Brockman
PRO: He’s animated, so CBS would save on wardrobe.
CON: His previous employment with Fox may turnoff co-workers. His loyalty will be in doubt if we are ever attacked by giant ants.

Bill Clinton
PRO: He has a very slick delivery. He knows most of the key movers and shakers around the world.
CON: His wife will probably run for President, creating a conflict of interest. Viewers will be distracted by the thought that something may be going on underneath the anchor desk.

Nick Coleman
PRO: He knows stuff.
CON: CBS would lose all TCF Bank advertising.

Al Franken
PRO: The news isn’t funny and neither is Al.
CON: Al isn’t serious either.

Hugh Hewitt
PRO: He went to Harvard and worked in public TV.
CON: Hugh really needs more than thirty minutes a day to properly plug his book.

Holly Hunter
PRO: Her character in “Broadcast News” would be perfect.
CON: Her character in “The Piano” would not be perfect.

Michael Moore
PRO: CBS would not have to change its fact checking policies. Moore is very popular with the remaining CBS News audience.
CON: Not exactly anchorman looks.

Randy Moss
PRO: He’s the best receiver in the NFL.
CON: If the newscast is going poorly he may leave two seconds early.

O.J. Simpson
PRO: He would provide great insight into the upcoming Michael Jackson celebrity trial.
CON: The job would cut too much into his search for the real killers.

Howard Stern
PRO: Reporters would likely be replaced by less biased porn stars.
CON: FCC fines.

Jon Stewart
PRO: He’s very comfortable with fake news items.
CON: His ego may have grown too large even for a network news anchor.

Martha Stewart
PRO: The CBS News set would look nice on a budget.
CON: She’s probably picked up a lot of inappropriate slang in prison.


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