Mission: Impossible 3

A film treatment by Cubby

Dear Mr. Cruise,
First, let me say that I’m a big fan of your work. I don’t for one second believe the rumors that you are gay, not that there would be anything wrong with that. I know that the wingnuts are obsessed with your private life, but not me. I believe that gay people should be allowed to marry, serve in the military or do anything else that straight people are allowed to do (except of course, work as a White House correspondent).

Anyway, the reason I’m writing is that I have an awesome idea for a Mission: Impossible sequel. After twice playing IMF agent Ethan Hunt, I’m sure you’re ready to move on to a different character. May I suggest: IMF agent Cubby, a truth-seeking radio producer by day, and a wingnut investigating secret agent by night. It will be way awesome, I swear.

In the opening scene, Agent Cubby is producing up a storm. He and his host (casting suggestion: Paul Newman) have the wingnuts on the run. But he knows they won’t go down quietly. After the show, he hands Cubby the wicked cool DVD player.

Your mission, Cubby, should you choose to accept it, is to infiltrate a secret meeting of a shadowy nefarious organization known as the MOB. They are holding a macabre ceremony at a downtown hotel to celebrate the demise of one of their enemies. Uncover and foil their evil plans for state-wide domination.

Then the DVD thingy melts in that cool way that it melts.

Okay, the IMF crew disguises Cubby as a lowly, oppressed waiter so that the wingnuts won’t pay any attention to him. He sneaks into the hotel and memorizes the happenings. He is once almost nearly discovered, but he evades detection.

Then the next day on the show, he exposes what happened with perfect recall. Much shame is brought on the MOB wingnuts. Cubby doesn’t reveal that he learned a key piece of information: The MOB will be meeting again that night. This time he knows the MOB will be more careful. He dresses all in black, and brings those ninja ropes like in the first “Mission: Impossible” down to an Irish pub in NE Minneapolis.

At the pub, Agent Cubby crawls through the ventilation system. He spots the table containing the evil Frat Boys, one of the evilest factions of the MOB. He lowers himself down from the ceiling so that he can hear what they’re saying. They’re mostly talking about politics and other boring stuff. Then his ears perk up as he hears them talk about their most dangerous faction, the KKKoolers. The KKKoolers are not present, so they say, because they are at a baptism class. But Cubby knows that these are only pretend Christians, so he climbs up his ropes to the ceiling and crawls out through the vents. Cubby mounts his cool motorcycle and wheels it down to the St. Paul Cathedral.

The Cathedral is empty. Cubby stops and appreciates the cool bells. When they stop, he notices a low hum. He finds a stairway and sneaks down to the basement. There he discovers the evil MOBster lair! Cubby spots the KKKoolers gathered around a nuclear reactor. They’re trying to build a nuke! The KKKoolers spot Cubby and try to catch him, but Cubby evades them and then beats them up good. About ten of them single handed.

So, what did you think? Awesome huh? Let me know when you want me to get started on the entire script.