Thursday, February 26, 2009

Top 11 Names for that Joe Biden Would Find Easier to Remember












Top 11 Promises President Obama Will Make In His Next Speech To Congress

11. The Cubs will win the World Series in 2009

10. Jennifer Aniston will finally find true love and live happily ever after

9. He will personally feed all Americans with a handful of fish and a half dozen loaves of bread

8. It will never rain on any American's wedding day again

7. Health costs will be greatly reduced, as he will lay hands on all the sick

6. Al Franken will be funny

5. Oprah will lose 100lbs and never gain it back

4. Everyone in his administration will pay most of the taxes they think they should pay

3. You won't have to pay a lot for that muffler

2. From this moment on, life WILL be fair

1. He will travel back in time and give an American the schematics to invent a car

Monday, February 23, 2009

The Oscars Grouch

Obama's been President for a month now, and we're losing American Oscars (and jobs, no doubt) to cheap overseas production companies who exploit child labor . I bet the executives at Warner Brothers are getting big bonuses for this too. Where's the "film American" provision in the pork stimulus package?

This is one piece of evidence that the Obama administration cares more about big Hollywood and their international buddies than hard working Americans trying to make a decent buck. Eight Oscars, including best picture go to "Slumdog Millionaire?" Frida Pinto is working while the once bankable Meg Ryan waits by the phone? This is truly a disgrace.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Oscar Live Blog!

Welcome to the Nihilist in Golf Pants Annual Oscar Live Blog! Which Hollywood star will be the first to slam Barrack Obama’s Iraq policy? How many stars will rip the cowardice of the Academy for failing to even nominate Gran Torino? Who will protest Iran’s treatment of homosexuals? Will anyone care about any of this? We will soon learn the answer to these questions and yours truly will be here to put everything in perspective. Like most of America, I have seen none of the films nominated for the big awards (except "Dark Knight") so I will be able to offer you nearly 100% unbiased commentary.

NOTE: I will be monitoring Hot Air and will notify you if Captain Ed starts live-blogging the Oscars. So far, it looks like Slacker Ed will be taking the night off.

7:01 PM: As a special bonus, I will be live-blogging the Red Carpet show.

7:02 PM: WHITE RIBBON SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE UPDATE: Josh Brolin is wearing one, but his wife Diane Lane is not. There will be fireworks in that house tonight.

RATING: Kate Winslet – Hot

7:04 PM: WHITE RIBBON SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE UPDATE: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not wearing ribbons. I know Brad Pitt once announced that he and Angelina Jolie would not be married until gay marriage is legal, but now that they’ve changed their minds, they can get married! I think a Royal Hollywood Wedding would be great for America’s morale in these trying times. I can’t believe I typed that with a straight face.

RATING: Sarah Jessica Parker – Body: Hot, Face: Not Hot

7:08 PM: RATING: Amy Adams – Very Very Hot

7:15 PM: RATING: Miley Cyrus – will be Hot in about three years

7:16 PM: RATING: Anne Hathaway – Hot, but overrated

7:19 PM: Why do they have accountants guarding the envelopes? I would hire Mr. T to do the job.

7:20 PM: RATING: Meryl Streep’s daughter – Hot

7:21 PM: RATING: Penelope Cruz – Very Hot

7:23 PM: RATING: Marisa Tomei – Still Pretty Hot

7:24 PM: Don’t tell Bill Moyers, but I think the guy doing the red carpet interviews is gay.

7:27 PM: Gopher Basketball update: Gophers 45, Northwestern 25 with 13:41 left.

7:31 PM: The main show is starting. Hugh Jackman is hosting and takes a shot a New Zealand.

7:32 PM: Hugh Jackman is trying to do a Billy Crystal-esque musical number. I didn’t like this bit when Billy Crystal did it.

7:34 PM: So far we have learned that Hugh Jackman can’t sing.

7:37 PM: I haven’t seen “The Reader” either, but I don’t intend to see it.

7:38 PM: That has to be the most forced standing ovation I have ever seen.

7:39 PM: RATING: Angelina Jolie – Hot but overrated

7:40 PM: Hugh Jackman accuses Meryl Streep of being on steroids.

7:41 PM: Still no live-blog by Captain Ed.

7:42 PM: RATING: Tilda Swinton – still looks like David Bowie

7:45 PM: RATING: Whoopi Goldberg – Ugly

7:47 PM: Best Supporting Actress winner is Penelope Cruz. Very Hot but coming off as kind of ditzy.
ADVICE FOR FUTURE WINNERS: If you don’t whine about having only 45 seconds, maybe you will have time to fit in that thank you to your dog’s psychiatrist.

7:53 PM: RATING: Tina Fey – less hot than Sarah Palin

7:56 PM: Best Original Screenplay: “Milk”
“Milk” is vying to be this year’s “Brokeback Mountain”, but let’s face it, a gay San Francisco alderman getting murdered by a guy hopped-up on Twinkies is just not as funny as two gay Shepherds.

8:00 PM: Best Adapted Screenplay: “Slumdog Millionaire”
I guess Hollywood loves slums and dogs more than it hates millionaires.

8:01 PM: RATING: Jennifer Aniston – Hot
I know what would liven up the Oscars. If Jennifer Ansiton would dive into the first row and start pummeling Angelina Jolie. She probably won’t because she knows Jolie would kick her ass.

8:07 PM: Best Animated Film: “Wall-E”
I haven’t seen it.

8:08 PM: They keep showing Angelina Jolie smirking at Jennifer Aniston. Not very classy, Angelina.

8:09 PM: Best Animated Short – some French cartoon no one will ever see.
I say that the Academy should make English the official language of the Oscars. I have no idea who that Animated short guy just thanked and am poorer for it.

8:10 PM: I haven’t seen Hugh Jackman since the opening number. Maybe he has left the show in embarrassment.

8:14 PM: Still no Captain Ed live blog. I think I may inherit the mantle of best live-blogger on the internet, by default.

8: 15 PM: Hugh Jackman is back. We are now at the middle of the show – the boring awards, like Art Direction.

8:16 PM: Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are presenting the Art Direction Oscar. This is the closest Sarah Jessica Parker will ever get to being a Bond Girl.

8:17 PM: Best Art Direction winner is “The Curious case of Benjamin Button.”
The “Curious Case of Benjamin Button” is about a guy who is born old and then becomes younger as he ages. This could never happen.

8:20 PM: Costume Design winner is “The Duchess”
Movies about royalty have an unfair advantage in this category. Oscar loves those 18th century dresses.

8:24 PM: Makeup winner is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
This is probably deserved as it can’t be easy to make Brad Pitt look like a full grown adult.

8:27 PM: Movie Romance montage. This is a good time to check on the Gopher basketball final score.

8:28 PM: Gophers 72 Northwestern 45. Hopefully this means that the Gophers are peaking in time for the post season.

8:32 PM: RATING: Natalie Portman – Very Hot

8:33 PM: I don’t get the Cinematography presentation bit with the ADD guy.

8:35 PM: Best Cinematography – Slumdog Millionaire

8:37 PM: RATING: Jessica Biel – Very Hot

8:38 PM: Jessica Biel asks, “Where would we be if Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the kinetograph?
Answer: Giving each other awards for waitressing.

8:43 PM: Comedy montage is not very funny.

8:44 PM: Slacker Ed still not live-blogging.

8:46 PM: Best Short winner is some German film.

8:52 PM: Noooooo! Who told Hugh Jackman that he could sing? He’s almost as bad as Garrison Keillor.

8:55 PM: Lame production number, but the Oscars wouldn’t be the Oscars without the lame production numbers.

8:56 PM: RATING: Beyonce – Very Hot

8:57 PM: An hour and a half left (if the show doesn’t go long). Maybe Captain Ed was the smart one.

9:01 PM: Hey, there’s Mikey from Orange County Choppers!
9:02 PM: CORRECTION: Oops, that wasn’t Mikey, it is Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

9:03 PM: Best Supporting Actor winner is Heath Ledger
Nothing gets you more Oscar sympathy than dying.

9:11 PM: The Nihilist e-mails:
“I believe the Penelope Cruz Oscar is part of the Hollywood quid pro quo that starlets get a few years after pretending to be romantically involved with Tom Cruise. Nicole Kidman won the 2003 Oscar for best actress a few years after divorcing Tom Cruise.

Look for Katie Holmes to win her Oscar in the next five years.”

As usual, the Nihilist is onto something.

9:14 PM: Big mistake to let Bill Mahre on the show. He spent his time whining that his own crappie documentary wasn’t nominated and complaining that God sucks.

9:16 PM: Best Documentary winner is not Bill Mahre

9:18 PM: Best Documentary Short winner is not Bill Mahre

9:26 PM: Best Visual Effect Winner is "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
For a moment there, I thought a movie that I've seen might win an award, but no.

9:28 PM: Isn’t Will Smith a little too big to be presenting these technical awards? I imagine the recruitment went something like this:
ACADEMY: Congratulations, Mr. Smith, we’d love to have you present the Oscars for Visual Effects, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, and Film Editing.
SMITH: What? Get out of here, you wiseacre. I’m way to big a star to give out boring technical awards. Best picture or forget about it.
ACADEMY: If word gets out that you’ve been dissing Visual Effects and Sound editing, you will end up looking and sounding like Bill Mahre in your next film.
SMITH: Okay I’ll do it.

9:29 PM: Sound Editing winner is “The Dark Knight”
Hey, something is wrong here. I’ve actually seen this film. I must say that I didn’t notice anything special about the sound editing.

9:32 PM: Sound Mixing winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”
No surprise here, everyone knew Slumdog would win for best sound mixing.

9:35 PM: Film Editing winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”

9:40 PM: Fifty minutes remaining. Captain Ed was definitely the smart one by not live-blogging this.

9:53 PM: RATING: Alicia Keyes – Hot

9:54 PM: Best Score winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”

9:55 PM: Now they are doing songs from Slumdog Millionaire. That blond dancer doesn’t look like she’s Indian.

9:55 PM: Best Original Song winner is a song from “Slumdog Millionaire”
It is turning into a slum-dog night! The guy who won said that he had a choice between Hate and Love, and chose Love. Wonderful, but who admits to choosing hate? I mean besides Bill Mahre.

10:06 PM: Best Foreign Film winner is the Japanese film.
Are we done with the boring awards yet? How can I mock these people I’ve never even heard of?

10:11 PM: The montage of dead people. I like to see who gets the most applause when their picture goes on the screen. The most popular was Paul Newman. No discernable applause for Charlton Heston. Others receiving noticeable applause:
Michael Crichton
Harold Pinter
Isaac Hayes
Ricardo Montalban
Paul Scofield
Stan Winston – Special Effects
Anthony Mingehella
Sidney Pollack (seond most applause)

10:18 PM: RATING: Reese Witherspoon – Very Hot

10:20 PM: Best Director winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”
Director did a tigger dance.

10:26 PM: RATING: Shirley McClaine – Ugly

10:27 PM: RATING: That French Actress Who Won Last Year: Very Very Hot

10:28 PM: RATING: Haile Berry – Very Hot

10:29 PM: RATING: Sophia Loren – Hot for her age

10:30 PM: Hey, we are supposed to be done now. This is total B.S. They promised they’d be done by now. Captain Ed is looking like Genius Ed for not live-blogging this.

10:31 PM: RATING: Nicole Kidman – Hot

10:32 PM: Best Actress winner is Kate Winslet
I’m a little disappointed. I kind of liked the Susan Lucci thing of being nominated, but never winning.

10:34 PM: Why are they all so excited about winning this award? Even Al Gore has one of these, after all.

10:40 PM: Robert DeNiro calls Sean Penn a great human being? What an idiot. He was good as Spicoli, though.

10:42 PM: Come on, let’s get this thing over with. These min-tributes to the nominees by previous winners are really getting on my nerves.

10:43 PM: Best Actor winner is Sean Penn.
He deserved to win for Spicoli. Major faux pas in not thanking Hugo Chavez. Sean Penn comes out against hatred; what a hypocrite. Praise for Obama.

10:52 PM: Best Picture is “Slumdog Millionaire” yawn.

10:55 PM: The big surprise of the night is that the movie about a TV interview with Richard Nixon didn’t win anything. I guess Hollywood’s love affair with Nixon is as over as this live blog!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

What Puts The "Ape" In Apricot?

Primus had a fairly suggestive hit with their song, "Wynona's Big Brown Beaver." With a little rework, they could re-release it as "Eric Holder's Bright Blue Scrotum."

Here it is:

Eric Holder’s got himself a bright blue scrotum
Per a hoax from the Huff Post moonbats.
One day, General Holder, he went on over,
Said Americans are ‘fraidy cats.
The libs claimed Brit Hume called Holder a baboon
Or maybe it was Josh Gibson
Slanders went for days, claims Fox ripped Holder’s race
It stunk like Obama's tax plans.

Now Bill Clinton was once his party’s hero
Now his act’s like a carnival show.
He got it in cars, did sick things with cigars
While his Sec of State wife‘s on the road.
He got wind of the bright blue scrotum
And wondered if it were,
If that scrotum would maybe interest the ladies.
More than pumpkin curvature.
(To the left!)

Eric Holder don‘t really have a bright blue scrotum,
But he is full of hot air.
Said you can’t say that I’ve got a bright blue scrotum,
Because American’s don’t have a pair.
But as dumb and bad is General Holder
He’ll never give us the fright.
Of the tax cheat Geithner, now running the Treasury,
Spent a trillion dollars in one night.
Or Obama’s new friend, who hates privacy rights,
Transportation Sec Ray LaHood.
He's a Republican who would tax your mileage,
With a microchip under your hood.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Top 11 Reasons Barack Obama Returned the Bust of Winston Churchill to England

11. Every time Joe Biden walked into the oval office he shrieked, “Oh my God! The terrorists have beheaded Alfred Hitchcock!”

10. Having a bust of Churchill is so George W. Bush

9. Roland Burris keeps asking the bust to donate to Blago’s legal defense fund

8. Worried that visiting Germans might be offended

7. Geithner keeps recommending that he claim the bust as a dependent on his taxes

6. Refuses to honor a war-monger who should have insisted on talks with Hitler instead of unilateral resistance.

5. The "change" mentioned in his campaign speeches was actually referring to interior decoration in the White House.

4. Michelle's loving gazes were becoming emasculating

3. Looking at Churchill made him want to light up a smoke

2. Stimulus bill allotted $2.5 billion for shipping back busts of European Prime Ministers via two man kayak

1. Preferred the Neville Chamberlain bust instead.

So Dark The Con Of Obama

Here's a little messianic SAB:

Da Vinci's portrayal of Jesus Christ

and AP's portrayal of Barack Obama

Hat tip to ND Nation.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Top 11 Real Reasons Chad the Elder Is Ending His Regular Participation With the First Team of the Northern Alliance Radio Network

The world of unpaid, Saturday morning, AM conservative radio is still reeling from the announcement by Chad the Elder that he is leaving his regular commitment to the First Team of the Northern Aliance Radio Network.

His stated reasons include his desire to spend more time with his family. However, tellingly, his family has yet to release a statement indicating they wish to spend more time with him. Therefore, we are forced to speculate on the top 11 REAL reasons why Chad the Elder is leaving the Northern Alliance Radio Network:

11) The Patriot instituted a new policy requiring all hosts to wear pants while on air

10) He's agreed to become John Hinderaker's butler

9) Unimpressed with the Patriot's final offer: “receiving total consciousness on deathbed”

8) Has run out of local breweries to invite in for "interviews"

7) Too hung over to get up by 11 am most Saturdays

6) The only reason he'd stuck around this long was his man-crush on Michael Brodkorb

5) Has decided to accept the position of Secretary of Commerce in the Obama administration

4) Wants to follow the Hillbilly Swing Kings around on tour

3) Tired of feigning interest in the happenings at Dartmouth during commercial breaks

2) Shutting himself down based on persuasive arguments by Democrats on the Fairness Doctrine

1) Tired of doing radio for free and wanted to devote more time to blogging for free

Thursday, February 05, 2009

You Just Got Your Asses Whipped By A Bunch Of Goddamn Nerds!

Bill Gates stunned a crown at a California technology conference by releasing a swarm of mosquitoes and shouting, "there is no reason only poor people should be infected (by malaria)!"

Here are the top 11 surprises in store for the next groups to see Bill Gates speak:

11. He'll release rats in the room and declare: “There’s no reason that only 14th century Europeans should get the plague!”

10. Thumbtacks on their chairs

9. Hosts "Guess what I had for lunch?" breath smelling contest

8. When the seminar is over, he will release the hounds

7. Q&A session begins with a game of Rochambeau

6. Audio visual presentation includes a section on the Rose O'Donnell sex tape

5. Wet Willies when they go through the receiving line

4. At lunch he will sneeze over the buffet table

3. The latest version of Microsoft Vista

2. He'll signal its time to change his PowerPoint slide by firing shot gun blasts into the crowd

1. Gift bags featuring smallpox blankets

Monday, February 02, 2009

Top 11 Network Television Shows That I Have Never Watched An Entire Episode Of Or Have Any Desire Ever To

11. House

10. Ugly Betty

9. Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?

8. 30 Rock

7. Heroes

6. Deal Or No Deal

5. Dancing With The Stars

4. Boston Legal

3. Lost

2. American Idol

1. 24

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Top 11 Obama Enticements to Congressional Republicans

Posting has been slow here since the inauguration; we became caught up in Obamamania and pledged to be less mocking.

We’ve tried, really, we’ve tried. But, come on. It has been nothing but set up after set up since the inauguration. We do admit that President Obama has at least made an effort to reach across the aisle to Republicans in an effort to get bipartisan support for his pork bill. So in an effort to give the administrations its due, here are the Top 11 Obama enticements to Congressional Republicans:

11. Free Planned Parenthood gift certificates

10. Fist bump with Michele

9. Promise that they don't have to sit next to Amy Klobuchar at his next Super Bowl party.

8. Free subscription to Oprah's Book Club

7. Discounted Obama commemorative plates

6. A cabinet appointment for any Republican Senator from a state with a Democrat Governor (plus a cut of the kickback from the new appointee)

5. Obama will allow them to touch his robe

4. Automatic BCS playoff spot for a college in their state.

3. Two-for-one earmark coupons

2. Promise that Joe Biden will make campaign appearance on behalf of your next opponent

1. Free butlers! (formerly residents of Gitmo)

Advice For A Post-Partisan Era, Volume I

Barack Obama promised a "post-partisan" era during the campaign. Yet less than two weeks in to his administration, things are looking partisan as ever. His economic stimulus plan didn't garner a single Republican vote in the House, and the promise for a post-partisan America look bleak.

I honestly believe President Obama intended to usher in a post-partisan era, and I still believe he has the ability to do so. Because I want to help, I am instituting a semi-regular list of suggestions of actions that could help bring the left and the right together. Here is my first suggestion:

Only Nixon Could Go To China
The saying above meant that only someone with a bona fide reputation for being anti-communist could heal some wounds with the worlds most populist communist country without being pilloried for being soft on communism.

Obama, as a black American, has the bona fides regarding race relations to heal some wounds with white America without losing the support of minorities. He could take action that would bring goodwill to all Americans: reinstate slavery on a very limited basis.

At first blush, the idea of reinstating slavery may seem a tad controversial. Bear with me. When I say reinstate it on a very limited basis, I really mean for one person: Whoopie Goldberg.

You may recall during the presidential campaign, when John McCain made one of his major blunders, appearing on "The View." Now most television hosts would treat a Presidential nominee seriously, but not the old bats on TVs worst talk show. They badgered and berated McCain to his face, with only the nearly brain-dead Elizabeth Hasselbeck "defending" him.

This disgraceful segment didn't end before Whoopie Goldberg (she's as talented as she is attractive) suggested that in a McCain administration, slavery might be reinstated. McCain handled this comment poorly. Instead of calling Whoopie out and suggesting that her insulting attack was disingenuous and uncalled for, he actually said that she raised, "a good point." His rhetorical failure on that day and others explains why Barack Obama won in a landslide.

Anyone who is the least bit intellectually honest understands that Whoopie is a loud mouthed moron. And that's where the new President can build some goodwill. It would be the ultimate irony if the man Whoopie supported ended up being the person to enslave her.

Of course, there is one hurdle to this plan: the US Constitution, specifically its 13th amendment, which expressly prohibits slavery. However, thanks to activist liberal judges, I think we have a way around this. President Obama could simply sign an executive order revoking Whoopie Goldberg's birth certificate. Revoking her birth certificate would mean she no longer would have the protection of the US Constitution. Of course, a better alternative at this point might be to abort her, but that's a decision for her mother.