Welcome to the Nihilist in Golf Pants Annual Oscar Live Blog! Which Hollywood star will be the first to slam Barrack Obama’s Iraq policy? How many stars will rip the cowardice of the Academy for failing to even nominate Gran Torino? Who will protest Iran’s treatment of homosexuals? Will anyone care about any of this? We will soon learn the answer to these questions and yours truly will be here to put everything in perspective. Like most of America, I have seen none of the films nominated for the big awards (except "Dark Knight") so I will be able to offer you nearly 100% unbiased commentary.
NOTE: I will be monitoring Hot Air and will notify you if Captain Ed starts live-blogging the Oscars. So far, it looks like Slacker Ed will be taking the night off.
7:01 PM: As a special bonus, I will be live-blogging the Red Carpet show.
7:02 PM: WHITE RIBBON SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE UPDATE: Josh Brolin is wearing one, but his wife Diane Lane is not. There will be fireworks in that house tonight.
RATING: Kate Winslet – Hot
7:04 PM: WHITE RIBBON SUPPORTING GAY MARRIAGE UPDATE: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are not wearing ribbons. I know Brad Pitt once announced that he and Angelina Jolie would not be married until gay marriage is legal, but now that they’ve changed their minds, they can get married! I think a Royal Hollywood Wedding would be great for America’s morale in these trying times. I can’t believe I typed that with a straight face.
RATING: Sarah Jessica Parker – Body: Hot, Face: Not Hot
7:08 PM: RATING: Amy Adams – Very Very Hot
7:15 PM: RATING: Miley Cyrus – will be Hot in about three years
7:16 PM: RATING: Anne Hathaway – Hot, but overrated
7:19 PM: Why do they have accountants guarding the envelopes? I would hire Mr. T to do the job.
7:20 PM: RATING: Meryl Streep’s daughter – Hot
7:21 PM: RATING: Penelope Cruz – Very Hot
7:23 PM: RATING: Marisa Tomei – Still Pretty Hot
7:24 PM: Don’t tell Bill Moyers, but I think the guy doing the red carpet interviews is gay.
7:27 PM: Gopher Basketball update: Gophers 45, Northwestern 25 with 13:41 left.
7:31 PM: The main show is starting. Hugh Jackman is hosting and takes a shot a New Zealand.
7:32 PM: Hugh Jackman is trying to do a Billy Crystal-esque musical number. I didn’t like this bit when Billy Crystal did it.
7:34 PM: So far we have learned that Hugh Jackman can’t sing.
7:37 PM: I haven’t seen “The Reader” either, but I don’t intend to see it.
7:38 PM: That has to be the most forced standing ovation I have ever seen.
7:39 PM: RATING: Angelina Jolie – Hot but overrated
7:40 PM: Hugh Jackman accuses Meryl Streep of being on steroids.
7:41 PM: Still no live-blog by Captain Ed.
7:42 PM: RATING: Tilda Swinton – still looks like David Bowie
7:45 PM: RATING: Whoopi Goldberg – Ugly
7:47 PM: Best Supporting Actress winner is Penelope Cruz. Very Hot but coming off as kind of ditzy.
ADVICE FOR FUTURE WINNERS: If you don’t whine about having only 45 seconds, maybe you will have time to fit in that thank you to your dog’s psychiatrist.
7:53 PM: RATING: Tina Fey – less hot than Sarah Palin
7:56 PM: Best Original Screenplay: “Milk”
“Milk” is vying to be this year’s “Brokeback Mountain”, but let’s face it, a gay San Francisco alderman getting murdered by a guy hopped-up on Twinkies is just not as funny as two gay Shepherds.
8:00 PM: Best Adapted Screenplay: “Slumdog Millionaire”
I guess Hollywood loves slums and dogs more than it hates millionaires.
8:01 PM: RATING: Jennifer Aniston – Hot
I know what would liven up the Oscars. If Jennifer Ansiton would dive into the first row and start pummeling Angelina Jolie. She probably won’t because she knows Jolie would kick her ass.
8:07 PM: Best Animated Film: “Wall-E”
I haven’t seen it.
8:08 PM: They keep showing Angelina Jolie smirking at Jennifer Aniston. Not very classy, Angelina.
8:09 PM: Best Animated Short – some French cartoon no one will ever see.
I say that the Academy should make English the official language of the Oscars. I have no idea who that Animated short guy just thanked and am poorer for it.
8:10 PM: I haven’t seen Hugh Jackman since the opening number. Maybe he has left the show in embarrassment.
8:14 PM: Still no Captain Ed live blog. I think I may inherit the mantle of best live-blogger on the internet, by default.
8: 15 PM: Hugh Jackman is back. We are now at the middle of the show – the boring awards, like Art Direction.
8:16 PM: Daniel Craig and Sarah Jessica Parker are presenting the Art Direction Oscar. This is the closest Sarah Jessica Parker will ever get to being a Bond Girl.
8:17 PM: Best Art Direction winner is “The Curious case of Benjamin Button.”
The “Curious Case of Benjamin Button” is about a guy who is born old and then becomes younger as he ages. This could never happen.
8:20 PM: Costume Design winner is “The Duchess”
Movies about royalty have an unfair advantage in this category. Oscar loves those 18th century dresses.
8:24 PM: Makeup winner is “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button”
This is probably deserved as it can’t be easy to make Brad Pitt look like a full grown adult.
8:27 PM: Movie Romance montage. This is a good time to check on the Gopher basketball final score.
8:28 PM: Gophers 72 Northwestern 45. Hopefully this means that the Gophers are peaking in time for the post season.
8:32 PM: RATING: Natalie Portman – Very Hot
8:33 PM: I don’t get the Cinematography presentation bit with the ADD guy.
8:35 PM: Best Cinematography – Slumdog Millionaire
8:37 PM: RATING: Jessica Biel – Very Hot
8:38 PM: Jessica Biel asks, “Where would we be if Thomas Edison hadn’t invented the kinetograph?
Answer: Giving each other awards for waitressing.
8:43 PM: Comedy montage is not very funny.
8:44 PM: Slacker Ed still not live-blogging.
8:46 PM: Best Short winner is some German film.
8:52 PM: Noooooo! Who told Hugh Jackman that he could sing? He’s almost as bad as Garrison Keillor.
8:55 PM: Lame production number, but the Oscars wouldn’t be the Oscars without the lame production numbers.
8:56 PM: RATING: Beyonce – Very Hot
8:57 PM: An hour and a half left (if the show doesn’t go long). Maybe Captain Ed was the smart one.
9:01 PM: Hey, there’s Mikey from Orange County Choppers!
9:02 PM: CORRECTION: Oops, that wasn’t Mikey, it is Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
9:03 PM: Best Supporting Actor winner is Heath Ledger
Nothing gets you more Oscar sympathy than dying.
9:11 PM: The Nihilist e-mails:“I believe the Penelope Cruz Oscar is part of the Hollywood quid pro quo that starlets get a few years after pretending to be romantically involved with Tom Cruise. Nicole Kidman won the 2003 Oscar for best actress a few years after divorcing Tom Cruise.
Look for Katie Holmes to win her Oscar in the next five years.”
As usual, the Nihilist is onto something.
9:14 PM: Big mistake to let Bill Mahre on the show. He spent his time whining that his own crappie documentary wasn’t nominated and complaining that God sucks.
9:16 PM: Best Documentary winner is not Bill Mahre
9:18 PM: Best Documentary Short winner is not Bill Mahre
9:26 PM: Best Visual Effect Winner is "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button"
For a moment there, I thought a movie that I've seen might win an award, but no.
9:28 PM: Isn’t Will Smith a little too big to be presenting these technical awards? I imagine the recruitment went something like this:
ACADEMY: Congratulations, Mr. Smith, we’d love to have you present the Oscars for Visual Effects, Sound Editing, Sound Mixing, and Film Editing.
SMITH: What? Get out of here, you wiseacre. I’m way to big a star to give out boring technical awards. Best picture or forget about it.
ACADEMY: If word gets out that you’ve been dissing Visual Effects and Sound editing, you will end up looking and sounding like Bill Mahre in your next film.
SMITH: Okay I’ll do it.
9:29 PM: Sound Editing winner is “The Dark Knight”
Hey, something is wrong here. I’ve actually seen this film. I must say that I didn’t notice anything special about the sound editing.
9:32 PM: Sound Mixing winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”
No surprise here, everyone knew Slumdog would win for best sound mixing.
9:35 PM: Film Editing winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”
9:40 PM: Fifty minutes remaining. Captain Ed was definitely the smart one by not live-blogging this.
9:53 PM: RATING: Alicia Keyes – Hot
9:54 PM: Best Score winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”
9:55 PM: Now they are doing songs from Slumdog Millionaire. That blond dancer doesn’t look like she’s Indian.
9:55 PM: Best Original Song winner is a song from “Slumdog Millionaire”
It is turning into a slum-dog night! The guy who won said that he had a choice between Hate and Love, and chose Love. Wonderful, but who admits to choosing hate? I mean besides Bill Mahre.
10:06 PM: Best Foreign Film winner is the Japanese film.
Are we done with the boring awards yet? How can I mock these people I’ve never even heard of?
10:11 PM: The montage of dead people. I like to see who gets the most applause when their picture goes on the screen. The most popular was Paul Newman. No discernable applause for Charlton Heston. Others receiving noticeable applause:
Stan Winston – Special Effects
Sidney Pollack (seond most applause)
10:18 PM: RATING: Reese Witherspoon – Very Hot
10:20 PM: Best Director winner is “Slumdog Millionaire”
Director did a tigger dance.
10:26 PM: RATING: Shirley McClaine – Ugly
10:27 PM: RATING: That French Actress Who Won Last Year: Very Very Hot
10:28 PM: RATING: Haile Berry – Very Hot
10:29 PM: RATING: Sophia Loren – Hot for her age
10:30 PM: Hey, we are supposed to be done now. This is total B.S. They promised they’d be done by now. Captain Ed is looking like Genius Ed for not live-blogging this.
10:31 PM: RATING: Nicole Kidman – Hot
10:32 PM: Best Actress winner is Kate Winslet
I’m a little disappointed. I kind of liked the Susan Lucci thing of being nominated, but never winning.
10:34 PM: Why are they all so excited about winning this award? Even Al Gore has one of these, after all.
10:40 PM: Robert DeNiro calls Sean Penn a great human being? What an idiot. He was good as Spicoli, though.
10:42 PM: Come on, let’s get this thing over with. These min-tributes to the nominees by previous winners are really getting on my nerves.
10:43 PM: Best Actor winner is Sean Penn.
He deserved to win for Spicoli. Major faux pas in not thanking Hugo Chavez. Sean Penn comes out against hatred; what a hypocrite. Praise for Obama.
10:52 PM: Best Picture is “Slumdog Millionaire” yawn.
10:55 PM: The big surprise of the night is that the movie about a TV interview with Richard Nixon didn’t win anything. I guess Hollywood’s love affair with Nixon is as over as this live blog!